Here we, here we, here we bloody go. Tomorrow marks the start of the 2018 FIFA World Cup and across the nation football-mad fans will gather en masse to witness the ritual slaughter of the Australian National Football Team, who stands about as much chance of winning the Cup as a photo of themselves affixed to a Roomba does. Someone’s gotta come last, after all.
But while preparations are well underway for the players, here in the sports department of PEDESTRIAN.TV we are pondering a much larger and perhaps more important question: Which of the historic World Cup mascots is the horniest?
Join us, on this scientific journey through the annals of bloke-in-a-suit history as we rank every single one of the official World Cup mascots based on how much we believe they fuck.
14) Striker, the World Cup Pup – United States, 1994
Photo: Getty Images/Anton Want
Spayed and neutered, this dickless dog accomplished precisely zero fucking as the mascot of the 1994 World Cup, held in the United States. Did it probably hump any and everything it could get its hands on? Most likely. But much like the host nation’s run through the tournament, there was no penetration.
13) World Cup Willie – England, 1966
Photo: Getty Images/Peter Shepperd
Nothing English has ever fucked. The original World Cup mascot was the embodiment of everything held near and dear to British hearts: Lions, the Union Jack, and several yellow-toothed toffs named Reginald making a little person dance for their amusement.
12) Gauchito – Argentina, 1978
Photo: Getty Images/Keystone
A criminally horny child from a criminally horny nation. His “ain’t I stinker” expression belies the fact he carries a rider’s crop at all times. Gauchito’s youthful age mercifully prevents him from thrusting any higher up this list. But while no one in Argentina cries for Evita, even fewer are coming for this illegally randy runt. Jail.
11) Tip & Tap – West Germany, 1974
Photo: Getty Images/PA Images Archive
Two insidious little shits who probably know their way around a whoopee cushion like the back of their hand but wouldn’t know what to do with their dicks if the west was handed back to the east and Karl Marx’s ghost demanded they fuck for the proletariat.
10) Fuleco – Brazil, 2014
Photo: Getty Images/AMA/Corbis
Given this rat-like bitch is a vulnerable species, his people could certainly benefit from him whipping out his Brazil nuts and going to Rio a fair bit more often than he does.
9) Zabivaka – Russia, 2018
The current World Cup mascot whose name translates to “The Goalscorer,” which certainly implies a shagger’s mentality. But given everything I know to be true about Russia (learned mostly from dash cam video compilations) he’s more likely to be run over by a tearaway Fiat Uno well before he approaches any record for Putin it in someone.
8) Goleo VI – Germany, 2006
Photo: Getty Images/Adam Davy
What the hell is this thing. What the hell even is it. It looks like a camel trying to wear the skin of Humphrey B. Bear. Even weirder is the fact that the bizarre football-with-a-face is his sidekick, Pille. Goleo, the lion-ish creature, insisted on getting about for the entire tournament without once putting on pants. As for Pille, its entire purpose was to be a ball with a giant hole in it. Our assessment of the situation? Goleo definitely fucked Pille. Routinely.
7) Naranjito – Spain, 1982
Photo: Getty Images/Peter Robinson
A deformed orange with human hands, meaning if it fingered itself enough it’d probably jizz Sangria. Don’t act like you wouldn’t if you could.
6) Ciao – Italy, 1990
Photo: Getty Images/Peter Robinson
A thing that should not be in every measurable metric. An unholy affront to God and biological design. A creation of no logic, purpose, meaning, or structure. But consider this: Every single part of it is a schlong. All of it. All wieners. Even the ball.
5) Footix – France, 1998
Photo: Getty Images/Matthew Ashton
Not a single one of you can look me in the eye and tell me this thing hasn’t sacré bleu’n its way up and down the Champs-Élysées at least thrice. Hell, the 2019 Women’s World Cup mascot is its daughter. Its DAUGHTER. It is canon that this Woody-Woodpecker-lookin’-ass has rattled the bells of Notre-Dame.
4) Zakumi – South Africa, 2010
Photo: Getty Images/ullstein bild
What else do you think he was doing while everyone was distracted by those damned vuvuzelas? That’s right folks, a whole lotta fuckin’. Vuvu-jealous much?
3) Pique – Mexico, 1986
Photo: Getty Images/Bongarts
Ahhh Pique. The most inexplicable and grotesque of all the World Cup mascots. Literally an anthropomorphic jalapeño with a moustache. A spicy boy with an even spicier package just for you. Leaves a tingle in your butt after you eat it, and a tingle in your loins after you bang it.
2) Juanito – Mexico, 1970
Hell yeah. Hell YEAH. This thing fucks. This thing fucks. Look at the cocked leg, the untucked shirt, the suggestive smile. At all times this absolute piece of shit is barred up and ready to go. More like SEXICO, am I right folks?
1) Ato, Kaz, & Nik (aka The Spheriks) – South Korea/Japan, 2002
Photo: Getty Images/Chung Sung-Jun
Three loathsome and truly deranged creatures whose sole purpose is to fuck. They must fuck, and remain fucking, at all possible times. They are not permitted to stop at any single moment, trapping them into a terrible, depraved existence where each thrust or penetration only just sustains them until the next. Like a horny shark, if they stop boning, they die. Cursed beings. Carnal mistakes.