A Handy Guide For Neutral Fans On Who To Support In The AFL Grand Final

So this year’s AFL Grand Final is between Collingwood and West Coast, which is just *so bloody good* for Magpies and Eagles supporters. But what about those of us who don’t have a hat in the ring tomorrow? Those fans of other clubs, or casual observers? The neutral fans?

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Watching the Grand Final is always better if you’re at least pretending to back one side in over the other; watching the game and then turning it off without so much as a care in the world is boring as shit.

So who do you back? Which of the two evil empires is the lesser? How do you possibly pick one side over another when you’re stuck between a rock and a pie place?

Because we love you, we’ve put together this handy list of Pros and Cons for each club that should point you down the right and just path to Grand Final glory.



  • Would be one of the great unexpected flags in recent memory.
  • Colours are black and white, meaning if they win you can say the result was “plainly black and white” which, trust me, is a very funny joke that won’t get you kicked out of your family.
  • Mason Cox is a great bloody story. Hadn’t even heard of the game four years ago and is now playing in a Grand Final. Top unit.
  • Jeremy Howe likely to attempt a hanger so high he’ll need oxygen when he gets back down.
  • Side contains two Tasmanians, automatically making them better by association.
  • Steele Sidebottom. Tyson GoldsackJordan De Goey. All funny names.


  • Eddie McGuire. A man who simply should be barred from experiencing joy.
  • Hoddle St’s hard to navigate on a Saturday night as is, let alone with 40,000 braying Magpie lunatics marching up it towards Victoria Park.
  • Love pushing this ridiculous working class underdog narrative despite being possibly the largest and richest sporting club in the country.
  • Joffa‘s ridiculous Gold Jacket. Fucken what’s that all about.
  • Decided to try playing a Metallica song before a game and somehow settled on Nothing Else Matters which is the most piss-boring of all the Metallica songs. For Whom The Bell TollsBlackened? Hell, even Fuel or I Disappear? They’re all *literally right there* ya deadshits.
  • Scores of previously-neutral fans will permanently jump on board as a result of a win and if there’s one thing this crazy world simply does not need, it’s more Magpie fans.



  • Entire city of Perth likely to spontaneously combust if they win.
  • Has a player called Elliott Yeo, meaning you can run around all day shouting “HEY YEO” like you’re Razor Ramon.
  • Ample opportunity to stick it to your Carlton-supporting mate every time Josh Kennedy kicks a goal.
  • Anything that prevents Collingwood from winning a flag should be supported.
  • Decent chance that Perth residents will be treated to triumphant victory concert featuring famous WA bands like *checks notes* Eskimo Joe.
  • No shortage of goey.


  • Entire city of Perth likely to spontaneously combust if they win.
  • Bloody hell Adam Simpson is going to bring Andrew Gaff up on the Premiership dais like Bevo and Bob Murphy, isn’t he.
  • Name rhymes with “Wet Toast.” Bad.
  • Honestly, why the living christ aren’t they just named “Perth”? What’s this “West Coast” bullshit all about? I’d bet dollars to doughnuts people in Karratha could not give a shit.
  • Eagles are not blue and yellow. At least Collingwood’s mascot is colour correct.
  • No Tasmanians on the playing list which is classist bullshit.