Philadelphia Has Covered Its Poles In Stronger Grease For The Super Bowl

Write this down, kids: If a plan doesn’t work the first time, just repeat it over and over again until it eventually does. It’s flawless logic and results in success every single time. Just ask the City of Philadelphia, who is preparing to cop an absolute ruining no matter what the outcome of today’s Super Bowl is.

Rabid Eagles fans tore the downtown streets of the city a new one after their team triumphed in the NFC Championship game two weeks ago, which punched the team’s ticket to today’s big game.

But in an effort to prevent fans from climbing light and traffic poles, city officials greased them up with Crisco shortening.

It did ah… not work. At all. Philly fans climbed the poles almost immediately after the game.

So how do you prepare for another, probably bigger crowd all jacked up on a potential Super Bowl win?

You do the same thing as before, except this time you use stronger grease.


City officials and Police marched up and down the main streets earlier today painting hydraulic fluid onto light poles in a bid to really stop people from clambering up them later on in the night.

The story goes that the hydraulic fluid is water resistant, meaning it’s gonna stick around a lot longer than the Crisco did in the event that the heavens open up over Philadelphia this evening. Because lord knows it was water that was the problem last time, and not the combined rocket-fuel like enthusiasm of a throng of heaving Eagles maniacs het up on Four Loko.

Our prediction? This bold new tactic from city officials is gonna work for precisely ten seconds after the game.

Enjoy your pole climbing adventures, Eagles fans. Fingers crossed.