Poise. Power. Precision. Phucked faces.
While the first three have always been key attributes of Olympic diving, we are firm believers the horrific result of centrifugal forces on athletes’ faces deserves its own recognition.
Rio 2016‘s organisers certainly have enough to deal with at the mo’, so PEDESTRIAN.TV has taken the liberty of judging the snapshots from photog Adam Pretty, taken at the Men’s Synchronised 3m Springboard Final.
After assessing each competitor’s technique (or lack thereof), we’ve compiled an authoritative ranking. We believe we’ve been harsh, but fair. Dozens of minutes of deliberation went into this, so pay attention:
Chris Mears & Jack Laugher
Team: Great Britain
Actual Placing: Gold
While Mears and Laugher walked away with a bona fide gold medal for their efforts, the duo also made a case for Mother England in the noggin department. Mears was really more focussed on doing his best beach ball impression, but Laugher’s audacious attempt to go full Super Saiyan is worthy of recognition.
Sam Dorman & Mike Hixon
Actual Placing: Silver
If one word could describe America’s performance, it’s be “intense”. These guys look like they’ve just been shot backwards out of a cannon, by virtue of their balled-up rigs and the shit-scared looks upon their faces. Dorman, in particular, probably saw some serious shit during his silver-earning rotations.
Evgeny Kusnetsov & Ilya Zakharov
Actual Placing: 7th
If you look carefully, you can actually see Zakharov’s hairline recede ’cause of how fast he spun.
Giovanni Tocci & Andrea Chiarabini
Actual Placing: 6th
Speaking of hair, Italy put on a performance that’d make Wayne Static proud. Tocci’s flapping and flailing locks almost – almost – distract from the mid-90’s bus seat arrangement the lads have going on downstairs. Chiarabini’s scrunched-up mug screams “temper tantrum”, but it taint bad at all.
Yuan Cao & Kai Qin
Actual Placing: Bronze
Little known fact: the Chinese squad actually choreographed their dives to Pantera’s Vulgar Display Of Power, down to the mid-punch gurn completed by Yuan. Yet, what earned these blokes our top honour is the lip-twitch exhibited by Kai: emulating something I would have cooked up in Garry’s Mod circa 2007, he looks as if his soul is leaving his body – via his top gums. Magnificent. Bronze IRL doesn’t hurt, either.
The Olympics still have a fair way to go, but we already know who the true winners are: the madmen and women who cooked up Italy’s budgie smugglers. Seriously, go take a second look. Wild.
Photos: Adam Pretty (God bless you, Adam Pretty) / Getty.