An Open Letter To Your Mate Who Doesn’t Like Sport

mate doesn't like sport

To my dearest, fondest, sports-less, fun-hating pal.

It’s been a while. Allow me to join you on the couch. It feels like we’ve barely spoken, partly because the latter half of my week is taken up by manically yelling at the television, and partly because I’m well aware that you kindly tune me out whenever I try. Don’t think I don’t know, because I do.

But today, we’re having this chat. NRL finals fever is hitting, we’re delirious with excitement and we need you in our corner. It’s time.

Look, I used to be you. There are probably a great many people out there surprised to know that I’m passing the torch on, bestowing this discussion onto another. I too, spent many an evening bemoaning the pervasive nature of sport, lamenting the fact that the televised games interrupted prime video game time in my family home.

But I’ve grown to appreciate sport. And I’m here as a reformed sports-denier to tell you, in your stubborn anti-sport mood, are wrong. Sure, you’ve probably dabbled in sports appreciation – sharing a spicy Rabbitohs meme on your Facebook timeline perhaps, or having a giggle when someone from outside of Queensland makes a crack about Cameron Smith. But there’s so much more to it.

Let me explain to you, dear friend, the hype. The passion. The downright community spirit that frankly even the Scroogiest of buttheaded anti-fun police could appreciate. It’s more than just watching people toss a ball around or whack it with a bat (depending on your code and chosen sport).

It’s camaraderie, it’s mateship, it’s taking the piss out of each other about their chosen team. And this is the kind of thing that we, the sport-lovers, want to share with you.

Plus TBH even if the thought of physical activity makes you want to heave, there’s something inherently magical about watching other people do extremely athletic things while you sit there with a buncha junk food and a cheeky bevvy.

That satisfaction? More than tripled when you’re actually at the game. Sure it’s gonna mean you’ve gotta actually put pants on and get out of the house, but being in the midst of a huge crowd all screaming at folk in tiny shorts or funky helmets? That is some serious adrenaline-pumping Good Shit.

Our advice is to pick the team you want to support based off the fact that the rest of your mates hate them. Why? There is literally nothing in this world that will rile your mates up faster than having the one non-sports fan laughing manically in their face when the team they’ve chosen AT RANDOM pulls off a ridiculous victory for the record books.

Ohhhh the bragging rights. The sweet, sweet bragging rights. You may not have a clue what’s going on but you’ll know you’re winning and THAT IS ALL THAT YOU NEED.

Or maybe your first interaction with going to a game is when the hot young thang you’re trying to date suggests you head out to the ground for an evening. You want to impress them? Helping you helps us, so here’s a cheatsheet of key talking points and quotes to get you to the game – and hopefully to another date – no matter which team they support.

If your date likes NRL: JT has a funny laugh, Aaron Woods deserved a better high five, the Burgess boys are dreamboats and inevitably someone will get pissed off at the ref’s decision.

If your date likes cricket: “NICE GARRYYYYYYYY” and “how ’bout that ball tampering?”

If your date likes darts: Just prepare for a really bloody wild night, because these folk know how to party. “One hundred and eighty!!!”

If your date likes literally any other sport: Smile, nod, get excited when they do, and for the love of god never refer to it as “sportsball.”

So picture this: you’re well versed in the lingo. You show up, you’re ready. Then, you get caught up in the moment. You purchase a single piece of memorabilia – a scarf, perhaps, or a jaunty cap in your newfound team’s colours. Your date compliments you on your look and suddenly you have vivid dreams of wearing nothing but that piece of memorabilia ever again.

You’re ready to be a fan. You’re rocking fresh new threads. You’ve practically bought a season pass already. Your date falls madly in love with you. Where is the downside?!?! Oh right, there isn’t one.

All we’re asking is that you give it a red hot crack. And if there was ever a time to really get into the atmosphere and give in to the pleading of your footy-mad mates, it’s finals time. Seriously, it’s just a couple of weeks where the hype is real and the crowds go mental. It’s wild, it’s fun, it’s the best time to find your footing as an almost-sports-fan.

Plus, your chances of choosing a team to support that could actually win the whole shebang is so much higher because really, the competition is pretty damn tight. The Premiership is there for the taking.

So the next time that we, the pals who’ve been trying to convince you to venture outdoors, ask you to come long – just think about it. We’ll love you for it.

Sincerely,

Your mates.

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