The 2020 Olympics have been cancelled because, you know, coronavirus, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have some FEELINGS about them. Specifically, about which sports slap and which ones are just shit.
Now, let me preface this by saying I am not a sports commentator nor am I an athlete. But as somebody who has kissed their fair share of Olympians (more on that later), I felt the need to rank every sport in the Olympics based on which ones are good and which ones are dumb. You’re welcome, internet.
Golf is dumb. Send tweet.
59. Dressage Equestrian
I hate horses. I hate horse girls. Dumb sport.
58. Eventing Equestrian
Again, equestrian screams “horse girl energy.”
57. Pole Vault
I once matched with an Olympic pole vaulter on Tinder and told him his sport was dumb while I was very drunk. The sport is shit, but if you’re reading this Mr Pole Vaulter man who I shall not name: I’m sorry.
56. Cross Country
I hated it in high school, I hate it now. Get out.
All running sports are dumb. What are you running from? They should chuck a bear in there to spice it up or something.
I told myself I’d train to run the New York Marathon once, then I realised how ridiculously long a marathon *actually* is. Kudos to you if you can do it, but I don’t want to watch.
Gun control, baby. Guns suck.
52. Field Hockey
Ball sports don’t belong in the olympics, but hockey is the worst of all of them, so it’s the bottom of the list.
Any -athlon is boring, but at an Olympic level, I just don’t care for the triathlon. TRI harder, bro.
50. Modern Pentathlon
PENT? Too many.
I am a sailor, but holy shit this sport is SO boring to watch. If I’m bored as a sailor, I can’t imagine how boring it’d be for the general public. Sorry.
We get it, you can lift heavy stuff. Get off my TV.
I only care for baseball in the form of the ‘I Don’t Dance’ scene from the High School Musical 2. If you’re not singing and dancing, I simply don’t want to see it.
I truly don’t understand the difference between softball and baseball and, if I’m honest, I don’t care to learn.
45. Water Polo
It looks cool but I don’t understand how they don’t drown and I’m still scared of the water polo pool at Lambton Pool in Newcastle, sorry.
44. BMX Freestyle
Bikes are dumb.
43. BMX Racing
Bikes are dumb: the sequel.
Damn Olympics, back at it AGAIN with the ball sports. I love balls as much as the next heterosexual woman, but give it a rest, would ya?
If I wanted to watch basketball I’d watch a Lakers game. I am vehemently against ball sports in the Olympics.
STOP. WITH. THE. BALLS.
This sport is derived from horses, see above. Horses are shit.
38. Triple Jump
I never learned how to do this properly in PE so I’m just gonna say it sucks.
37. Long Jump
We get it, you can jump really far. Fuck off.
36. High Jump
Pole vault for pussies.
Tennis is one of the few ball sports I don’t hate at an Olympic level. Gimme those tennis player meltdowns, baby. Smash a racquet or something.
I have a lot of respect for martial arts. It’s not my favourite sport to watch but I can appreciate that it’s a really cool sport.
They could kick my ass and I don’t like that.
32. Mountain Biking
Bikes suck but if you can ride one up a hill, you’re much fitter than I am. Good for you.
31. Shot Put
Stop throwing heavy shit.
30. Road Cycling
Road cycling is some real Tour De France shit. Not the best, but it does remind me of when I used to watch Le Tour De France with my dad and they’d always play King Of The Mountain (banger), so I’ll give it a decent rating.
29. Hammer Throw
Some real Thor energy. Disney should sponsor this.
28. Track Cycling
The cycling-equivalent of when dogs do zoomies. Love it.
27. Artistic Gymnastics
Sport, but make it ~art~.
Rowing is some private, all-girls school bullshit but I still sorta love it.
It’s the eye of the tiger, baby.
My favourite of all martial arts. A god-tier sport.
23. Rhythmic Gymnastics
As a dancer, this is the closest my musical theatre-loving ass ever got to Olympic representation. Bust a move baby, swirl some ribbons, do a twirl.
22. Sprint Canoeing
Canoeing is hard work. Doing it fast deserves a medal. I’ll buy it.
21. Freestyle Wrestling
Freestyle wrestling sounds dangerous AF. Like sure, just fuck each other up. Go for it. No rules!*
*There are definitely rules.
20. Indoor Volleyball
The shit type of volleyball. Indoor volleyball is for hot bitches who don’t want to have their skin damaged by the sun.
Badminton just looks so silly, I don’t understand how anybody takes it seriously.
18. Marathon Swimming
Marathons are dumb, but marathon swimming takes place in open water, which makes it pretty badass. Who’s to say a shark isn’t competing? It’s spicy, it’s fun, I love it.
17. Greco-Roman Wrestling
I’m not sure what this actually is but the name sounds like some real Hercules-level shit. I approve.
If it’s good enough for Kevin Rudd, it’s good enough for me, baby.
When life gives you hurdles, jump over them, I guess.
The ULTIMATE frisbee.
13. Table Tennis
The closest we’ll ever get to Olympic beerpong.
12. Synchronised Swimming
Dancing AND swimming. These people are athletes and artists. Love to see it.
Why is surfing in the Olympics? It was meant to be introduced this year but obviously, you know, pandemic. It feels so out of place but I’m SO here for it.
Javelin is SO metal. You’re just throwing really big spears.
9. Slalom Canoeing
I remember playing slalom canoeing in a Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen video game, it was pretty fun. This sport ranks highly purely because it’s good enough for MK&A.
8. Sport Climbing
Sport climbing is just… wild. You just sorta climb shit and hope for the best. Iconic. I want to try it.
7. Trampoline Gymnastics
The best type of gymnastics. Do some flips and shit.
6. Beach Volleyball
Beach volleyball is the ultimate Hot Bitch™ sport. If you play beach volleyball you’re probably hot.
I feel like swimming is the only sport we collectively get around. Maybe it’s because I grew up in the same small town as gold medalist Kyle Chalmers and my view is warped, but this whole list is based on my personal opinion so here we are, baby.
4. Race Walk
Some real Kel Knight shit.
Shooting stuff with arrows is just cool, okay?
If you thought shooting stuff with arrows was cool, wait until you hear about how they let you stab people at an Olympic level. ICONIC.
Diving wins. It just does. The iconic photos, that hot guy we were all obsessed with like two Olympics’ ago. The sport has a lot going for it. A truly 10/10 sport.