Blessed footy. The sweetest game of all. Tonight marks the start of the 2019 AFL men’s season, and with it comes colder months spent putting copious ass on MCG seat, a winter of acceptable pub shouting, and 198 games of the boys smashing the living piss out of each other in stadiums across the country. Pure bliss.
Before the season kicks off at the MCG tonight when Richmond takes on Carlton in the traditional season opener, now is the time to gaze lovingly into the crystal ball and pull out some predictions so solid, so based in fact, so guaranteed to come true you should be going to the bookies now and putting your life savings down on them (EDITOR’S NOTE: Do NOT do this).
Observe my footy soothsaying, jerks!
GILLON McLACHLAN TO HOLD PRESS CONFERENCE ON A WARSHIP UNDER A GIANT AFLX BANNER, DECLARING “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED”
Wearing an Air Force-style cap and flight jacket, league boss Gillon McLachlan ascends a dais on-board the HMAS Canberra under a 50-foot AFLX banner, beaming from ear to ear as he booms the words “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” into a Splendour In The Grass-level PA system in front of media forced to attend under duress.
What “mission” was “accomplished” exactly will remain unclear for decades.
In an on-going twist, the press conference will be held roughly thirteen seconds after the AFLW Grand Final begins. All broadcasts of the game will be interrupted to carry McLachlan’s speech. Amid furious backlash, he will deny ever knowing that the AFLW existed.
TOM SCULLY WILL REVEAL HAWTHORN FIXED HIM BY LETTING HIM BORROW TOM MITCHELL’S GOOD LEG
In what appears to be some sort of voodoo magic, Tom Scully will make his debut for Hawthorn before daylight savings ends, capping off a remarkable 6-month turn around from nearly being taken out back and shot by GWS officials to averaging 53 touches a game at the Hawks.
In explaining just how in the holy hell that happened, Scully will reveal Hawthorn’s medical staff simply transplanted Tom Mitchell’s good leg onto Scully’s body, since Mitchell wasn’t going to be using it much this season anyways.
TOM LIBERATORE WILL REVEAL WHOLE-BACK TATTOO DEDICATED TO THE MONORAIL EPISODE OF ‘THE SIMPSONS’
The absolute loosest unit in the league may have already dedicated each of his biceps to the iconic “My god you’re greasy” Simpsons gag, but his biggest and best work will be revealed post-match on an episode of Roaming Brian: A full back tattoo dedicated to Marge vs The Monorail, objectively the best episode of all time.
Centred around a large map of places the Monorail made famous (Brockway, Ogdenville, North Haverbrook, etc) are iconic bits from the classic ep: Sebastian Cobb (who shouldn’t have stopped for zat haircut), Bitey the Big Possum, the ring from Chief Wiggum’s pudding can, and a plush banner framing the whole piece that reminds everyone that Mono = One and Rail = Rail.
QCLASH TO SCORE UNPRECEDENTED QUEENSLAND VIEWERSHIP BY OUT-RATING RERUN OF ‘PAWN STARS’
After getting a guarantee from Channel Seven bosses that more games will be broadcast on the main channel, both the Brisbane Lions and Gold Coast Suns will enjoy an unprecedented boost in viewership numbers.
By the time the Round 6 QClash rolls around, Queenslanders will be whipped into such a fever pitch by the weird Southern States Ball Game that footy will finally overhaul its chief ratings rival: A five-year-old episode of Pawn Stars.
Will Chumlee spend too much of the Old Man’s money on a beat-up minibike with one wheel? Will that signature KISS guitar with the phrase “THIS IS NOT A REAL KISS GUITAR” turn out to be fake? Will the store pay Darrell from Arkansas’ asking price of $4 billion for an antique jar of farts?
All questions that will now go unanswered in QLD, thanks to footy.
CLUBS TO COMBAT TOBY GREENE KICKS BY ARMING BACK FLANKERS WITH SHOVELS
Despite ruling it illegal, the word of the AFL has no effect on noted pest Toby Greene, who responds to the implementation of the “Toby Greene Rule” by throwing out fly kicks at will and simply refusing to recognise any free kick paid against him for it.
In response, back coaches around the league devise an ingenious plan: Bash the little prick head off with a long-handled spade.
It’s effective, it’s efficient, and the league is utterly powerless to stop anyone from doing it.
It’s hard to kick someone in the ribs when you’ve been full-on Shovel Sconed.
THREE WORDS: GATORADE® MULTI-BALL™
If the AFLX proved nothing else it’s that the league is extremely willing to sell off virtually any part of the game to the highest advertising bidder.
Building off of the success Game Changer in the AFLX, the league allows Gatorade to purchase an entire round of the season where, with 2 minutes to go in each game, 50,000 nuclear piss green balls will be released from a blimp that hovers menacingly above the ground.
All balls are live! Goals are worth 69 points now! Fans in the stands are also allowed to score for teams! And an extra special Equaliser™ ball will have a prison shank taped to it!
It’s all legal with Gatorade, baby! Who fucken cares!
AMERICA TO JUMP ON MASON COX BANDWAGON BY UPGRADING AFL COVERAGE FROM FOX SPORTS SOCCER TO FOX SPORTS 14
Timing is everything, and with Mason Cox proving to be something of a cult icon in American sports, broadcasters in the US decide to get fully on-board by upping their commitment to broadcasting the AFL.
In shifting the one game a week that airs live on American TV, broadcaster Fox Sports shifts the footy off of their seldom seen Fox Soccer channel, where previous games languished amongst repeats of Div 2 college games and 4am analysis shows hosted by an empty mug and a dry sponge.
Instead, footy will take its rightful place on American TV: a high-numbered Fox Sports channel where it will sit pride of place among other truly fucked up sports like Cornhole, Spelling Bees, and Bare-Assed Frog Licking or whatever.
THE 666 RULE WILL BE REVEALED AS AN ELABORATE MARKETING STUNT CULMINATING IN IRON MAIDEN PLAYING THE GRAND FINAL
I mean, it’s the only logical reasoning here, right? There’s not a chance in hell the AFL could ever name a season-defining rule after the Number Of The Beast without having Maiden wail away amid smoke and sparks in the middle of the MCG come Grand Final Day. That’d be a whiff of Meatloaf-like proportions.
But in a very cheeky twist, Bruce Dickinson and the lads will use the gig to protest any future twilight Grand Final by closing their set with Fear Of The Dark.
THE AFL WILL FOLD THE FAILING GOLD COAST SUNS AND GIVE THE LICENSE TO TASSIE
DO IT, COWARDS.