Let me be clear: There are no rules in isolation. Everything that applies to the “normal” world is out the window. If you want to strip down to your undies and fly a kite off your balcony while blasting Van Halen, buddy you go ahead and you do that. If you want to film a time lapse of you baking a full black forest cake at 4am even though you can’t cook for shit and you’ve got work in the morning, literally no one is going to stop you. If you’re at home with nothing to do and you want to embrace Airport Drinking Rules by cracking a beer at 7:21 in the morning while loudly declaring to no one “it’d be rude not to,” live your goddamned life. Isolation breeds strange creatures of us all, and that goes doubly for the entire current crop of AFL footballers, who are suddenly finding themselves alone, bored, and in a lot of cases, young, hot, and rich.

The combination of the latter three brings us the footballing story of the week, primarily concerning Essendon oil painting Matt Guelfi.

Already renowned across the league for looking like a Centre Half Snack, Guelfi took his his game to untold levels by yesterday unveiling a truly chaotic energy pink hairdo that he, infuritatingly, wears like a dream.

Guelfi unveiled the who shebang on TikTok, documenting the journey he and what I presume to be his responsibly socially isolated housemates making some rational choices that probably aren’t at all influenced by the fact that they all have 23-year-old professional athlete energy and are climbing the fucking walls right now.

@mattguelfiWhoops????‍♂️????????‍♂️##boredathome ##boredinthehouse ##fyp ##fy ##quarantine♬ I just did a bad thing bill wurtz – cameron.tr

Wearing rash decisions that well should be illegal. Deeply unfair to the rest of us currently moderating nightly staring contests between the razor and the beard they’ve been growing for 6 years.

Image: Getty Images / Dylan Burns