FUCK YEAH WHO’S READY FOR GOLDEN STATE VS CLEVELAND IN THE NEXT 5 NBA FINALS?
World’s quietest man/Larry Bird reincarnate Kyle Korver is taking his talents to north-eastern Ohio, with the now-former Atlanta Hawk set to join LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers, in a move that just made every other team’s perimeter defence scheme’s anus contract.
The Hawks are reportedly on the verge of finalising a trade deal that will see Korver join the NBA Champions, ending a four-and-a-half year tenure with the Hawks that saw him evolve from depth player to the premiere perimeter threat in the league.
The Cavs are without JR Smith for a solid while, so Korver’s expected to slot immediately into the two-guard position alongside Kyrie Irving.
Why exactly is everyone shitting themselves about Korver being a Cav? Cop this:
You know how the old NBA Live games were kinda fucked and you’d focus all your offensive production on run-and-gunning into the key before kicking it out to the exceedingly open man because the defensive AI was a headless chook that couldn’t cover a school book?
The Cavs basically just turned themselves into an EA Sports team.
Korver is beloved down in Atlanta and the loss is being felt by fans and organisation alike. The team is in full rebuilding mode, and there’s strong rumours about them trading fellow Hawk mainstay Paul Millsap as well.
And speaking of Millsap, if you thought you were gonna get through this yarn without tearing up, you can bloody well forget it:
The big question remains what exactly will Cleveland send to Atlanta in exchange for Korver’s services? Thanks to Cleveland’s… let’s call it “aggressive” talent acquisition over recent years, the next available draft pick they have to send to the Hawks would be a first rounder in the 2020 draft. And you’d wager the Hawks would be keen to see a return a bit sooner than that.
So what else could they hand over?
Kyrie Irving‘s old man Uncle Drew makeup?
Season tickets to the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame?
The entire Cleveland Browns franchise?
How the hell can the Cavs constantly afford to bring in all this outrageous talent? Skip Bayliss, for one, smells a conspiracy.
You’re through the looking glass here, Skip.
Photo: Kevin C. Cox/Getty.