Japan Has Developed A Basketball Robot That Can Drain 3s From The Fkn Moon

By this point it’s merely a matter of when robot technology will eventually supplant the need for human presence on earth, not if. And if you need any further evidence of that, it’s in the fact that we’ve apparently now developed robotic technology capable of replacing our most physically capable people: Pro athletes.

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Professional Japanese basketball team Alvark Tokyo unveiled their newest roster addition overnight: A shooting guard robot named CUE3 that stands at about 8 feet tall and can comfortably drain threes from the goddamned car park.

What the fuck. What the fuck.

Firstly, that robot is gargantuan and they listed him at two guard? What the hell are they trying to do? Fill the team full of robot Monstars? Ridiculous.

Secondly, why would anyone in their right mind build a robot that can not only shoot 100% from ten thousand feet, but also stare death through your soul afterwards even though it doesn’t have a face.

Cold. Blooded.

Thirdly, how in the living christ is anyone supposed to guard that? That carbon bitch lets the pill go from about 20 feet in the air. He just stands bolt still and shoots lights out with his heels on the floor like a 58-year-old retired white Dad at a rec centre pick-up game. Sure, his action is slow as molasses and he might be utterly useless in the clutch, but when he’s draining 80 points a game that won’t even matter.

Who on earth can stop something like that? What normal human is adequately equipped to combat it?

Of course! Of course!

Zion might save us all from robots, but can even he save the Knicks? These are the burning questions, folks.