Bloody hell, AFL Grand Final is a corker of a time to be in Melbourne. The air buzzes, people get a little spring in their steps, everything practically glows with the glorious hue of footy.
And while some of you lucky bastards might have tickets to the game, others might be heading off to one of Melbourne’s best footy pubs, or even trotting off to your mate’s place for a BBQ. Hell, some of you absolute lunatics might not even care about the game at all.
But one thing’s for sure, no matter what you do, if you plan on leaving the house at all on Saturday, October 1st, you’ll have to deal with transport in Melbourne in one way or another. And if you don’t time things just right, you could wind up being consumed by a nightmarish wasteland, never to be seen again.
So what to do? What to do? We did the lookin’, the researchin’, and all the associated nosin’ around, and now we’ve got the inside track that’ll help you glide to your destination with the greatest of ease.
CARS AND SUCH
For the love of god, if you are not actually going to the game or any associated function in the area, avoid Yarra Park like the sodding plague. There is nothing for you there but pain and despair.
That includes the roads around the area too. Punt Road, Brunton Avenue, Wellington Parade? On Grand Final Day these become the triangle of death.
It is not good for you or your health at any time of the day, either before, during, or after the game. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
Now, if you are going to the game and absolutely must drive there, our hearts weep for you. They truly do.
But for all your sacrifices, there is slight relief. Weather permitting, Yarra Park will open for parking at the ‘G, but it’ll be open a hell of a lot earlier than normal.
Gates 5 and 6, on the eastern end of the park off Punt Road, will open to the public at 5:00am and 8:00am respectively. Gate 3, on the North-West end, off Wellington Parade South, will open at 9:00am, but will only be available to vehicles displaying disability permits. Parking prices appear to be stable for the game, and will not rise above the usual flat $10 fee.
Elsewhere, the Federation Square car park will be open as normal if you’re keen to tangle with that particular clusterfuck of nope. Be aware though that the massive public space will be filled to the brim with people watching the game on the big screen, so if your plan was to get a park there, you might wanna leave yesterday.
Otherwise those of you savvy enough/with enough time can while away the pre-game hours cruising the fabulous backstreets of Richmond searching for a cheeky street park like a clever legend.
PUBLIC TRANSPORT
HAHAHAHAHAHAH YES GOOD LET’S ALL DEAL WITH MELBOURNE PUBLIC TRANSPORT WHAT FUN WE WILL ALL HAVE.
For real though, it’s your best bet for getting around with any meaningful speed. And credit where it’s due, the Government goes out of their way to make sure it’s as painless for everyone as possible on the busiest day of the year.
If you’re heading to the ground, the Free Tram Zone has been extended to include the MCG precinct, with trams running free of charge from the city along Wellington Parade, and from the city to stops outside Rod Laver Arena. This’ll come into effect from Wednesday too, in case any of you non-footy types want a piece of that action.
The State Government is putting on around 180 extra tram services, as well as bolstering up the Metro and V/Line services to help get you in and out of Jolimont and Richmond stations in as luxurious a manner as possible.
If you’re watching the game elsewhere, then the sooner you can get moving, the better.
‘Course now all we gotta do is cross our fingers and hope that the public transport system doesn’t encounter its two arch nemeses: Rain, and any day over 25 degrees.
All your updated timetable info can be found over at the Public Transport Victoria website.
DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT FOOTBALL?
Oh my god, you guys. You don’t realise, this is a special time for you. The special-est.
That window right there? Between 3pm and 6pm? You have the literal run of the entire city, because everyone else at that point is shut inside watching the game. Between the sirens, Melbourne practically becomes a ghost town. This is your time to shine.
Need to get across town at world record pace? BOOSH. No traffic on the freeways.
Want to go for a lazy trundle down to the beach? HELL YEAH. An entire tram all to yourself. The elusive tram limo.
Feel like pretending that Melbourne’s been abandoned thanks to the post-apocalyptic collapse of society? YOU CAN TOTALLY ‘I AM LEGEND‘ THE SHIT OUT OF THE ENTIRE CITY.
‘Course don’t leave your run back home too late, because after 6pm the flow of traffic hits a literal ‘Gargoyles‘ type situation and turns to stone.
Bonne nuit to you all.
CABS AND UBER
Observe this highly accurate graphic of the requirements for anyone thinking about using a cab or Uber at any time on Grand Final Day:
Follow all of these *VERY ACCURATE AND QUITE SERIOUS* guidelines, and your Grand Final weekend transport experience will be smooth as silk.
Then again if you wind up on a post-footy train with a bunch of losing team fans, just try not to get in their way.
Those guys… they’ll have a lot on.
Photo: Scott Barbour/Getty.
