This is it, folks. Over the top. The last stop on the tour. Australia has one more game remaining in the group stages of the FIFA World Cup, and thus has one last-gasp chance to force our way into the knockout stages of the tournament.
The Socceroos take on Peru at midnight tonight (AEST) with a bare flicker of hope still burning. The side must score a win against the Peruvians in order to have any chance of getting through to the knockout stage. Lose or draw, and it’s curtains for the side.
But thanks to the many quirks of the World Cup, there’s a whole mess of external factors that will determine whether or not Australia grabs second place in the group.
The scenarios are many, and we have delved deep through the FIFA rule book to find them all.
Here, in brutal detail, are the myriad of ways that Australia can qualify for the knockout stages of the 2018 FIFA World Cup.
AUSTRALIA WINS, DENMARK LOSES
The easiest, simplest way to get through? Australia beats Peru 2-0, while France beats Denmark 1-0. That’s the easiest, most straightforward on-field scenario.
A win for Australia and a Denmark loss leaves the two nations equal on points, with tie-breakers being done via goal difference, which Australia currently trails by 2.
Beat Peru and see Denmark lose? Australia qualifies.
EVERY DANISH PERSON ALIVE SUDDENLY CONTRACTS FAINTING GOAT SYNDROME
You know that one viral video where a bunch of idiot goats freeze up stiff as a board and fall to the ground when startled? Should every Danish citizen, including those currently in Russia, suddenly contracts whatever malady that may be, the team would simply be powerless to counteract stadium noise, rendering the Danish team stiff and defenceless, and allowing the French to run riot.
In that scenario, Australia qualifies.
GREG NORMAN MATERIALISES AND SHOWS HIS GREAT WHITE ASS
Though Australians are immune, the rest of the world is powerless to resist such a mighty ass, and its sudden appearance would startle all who bear witness it. Such a hefty ass. An unfathomable butt.
Phil Mickelson: “My actions were a low point in the history of the sacred gentleman’s game of golf.”
Greg Norman: “Hold my beer…” pic.twitter.com/qMTgK5Sx8T— Tim Callanan (@MrTimCallanan) June 22, 2018
And thanks to the power of Norman’s asse, Australia qualifies.
MASS DACKINGS
Think about it: If all Australia’s opponents were suddenly de-pantsed at the same time, it would be very difficult for them to defend us. It’s plain and simple, folks.
Remove the pants, Australia qualifies.
THE NATION OF FRANCE CEASES TO BE
Between now and midnight, dire political turmoil grips the French region rendering the sovereignty null and void, reducing the roster of players to stateless citizens, causing FIFA to revoke their membership status and void all World Cup results earned by the side across time. Brazil is retroactively awarded the 1998 World Cup, won at British-Germano territory #56 (formerly “Paris”) and the world officially erases the last vestige of French presence by ceremonially swapping the “e” and “u” in “bleu cheese” around.
The name “Pierre” is ruled illegal. Australia qualifies.
MILE JEDINAK GIVES PERU THE OLE’ SPICY KEYCHAIN
Forget solid defence and good sportsmanship. Simply instruct the captain of the Socceroos to heat up a bunch of keys in the oven before the game and then get each Peruvian player to grip one. The result? Several hugely betrayed Peruvians, and an open avenue to goal.
https://twitter.com/EirikrSparrow/status/781384431390953472
Mile will be called a rat, and he will have throughly deserved it. But Australia still qualifies.
BANE DOES THAT STADIUM COLLAPSE THING FROM ‘THE DARK KNIGHT RISES‘
Uh oh! Bane is real now and he’s now in Moscow taking over Luzhniki Stadium, collapsing the field into the dirt and sending all French and Danish players tumbling into a black abyss from which there is no escape. Whoopsie! Ahh shucks!
Luckily, the Socceroos game is in Sochi which is 1,600km away from Moscow, and by the time word of the disaster reaches there the game is already over and Australia qualifies.
Realistically? This one’s our best bet.
Good luck tonight, champions. Go get ’em.
