No one’s out here suggesting that sports mascots are the living embodiment of physical beauty, but even this one probably demanded a second draft: The NHL’s Philadelphia Flyers have unveiled their new official mascot, Gritty. A rancid hellman plucked straight from your most anxiety-riddled ideations.
— Gritty (@GrittyNHL) September 24, 2018
Less an exaggeration of any living or fictional thing and more what happens when you funnel 5TB of blobfish images into a DeepDream generator, Gritty – according to the Flyers official website – “claims that he’s been around for a lot longer than we know it, and recent construction at the Wells Fargo Center disturbed his secret hideout forcing him to show his face publicly for the first time.” Ahh yes, a monster origin story for a kid-friendly mascot. Good stuff.
Stationary photos don’t really do justice to how fucked up this thing is. The announcement came complete with a video featuring Gritty, googly eyes and all, firing onto the scene and gyrating his terrible hips. It’s some real Pennywise the Dancing Clown-type shit.
— Philadelphia Flyers (@NHLFlyers) September 24, 2018
That is haunting. HAUNTING.
Don’t believe us? There is evidence already that Gritty is scaring children. He is the spectre of death to them.
— Chris Magnin (@Chris_Magnin) September 24, 2018
— Natalie Egenolf (@NatalieEgenolf) September 24, 2018
Fortunately, in probably the kindest thing that could’ve ever happened to the horrible creature, Gritty’s first night on the job ended with him falling flat on his horrible, huge ass. Right in front of a crowd of braying Flyers fans.
I’M WHEEZING pic.twitter.com/OuTlSsJKuB
— Conor Ryan (@ConorRyan_93) September 25, 2018
And on his first day in the awful light of existence, Gritty signed off by breaking the internet.
Goodnight, internet. pic.twitter.com/gx2Pbxfcds
— Gritty (@GrittyNHL) September 25, 2018
You know what, I take everything back. Gritty is good as hell now.