How To Go To A Footy Match When You Don’t Know Shit About Footy

NRL Finals. They’re here. They’re loud. They’re ready to blow the roof off the dang joint. And here’s you, the staunch Not A Fan™, being roped into into coming along by your mates and thoroughly confused about the whole thing.

What’s everyone shouting about? Why is everyone wearing the same colours and waving flags about? What’s the go with those ridiculous looking dreadlock hats? Why do you kinda want one all of a sudden?

It’s not the end of the world. Hell, with the right attitude it’s all a got dang party the likes of which you won’t cop anywhere else on a standard Friday or Saturday night.

As with all things, it’s much more enjoyable if you commit to it fully, and in the case of the NRL Finals that means knowing your banter, and knowing how to navigate the booze lines without making any regrettable rookie mistakes.

That’s why we’ve compiled this handy guide of generic banter to lob at your swearing mates, as well as a couple of pro tips about the best spots to grab a cold one at the game. Consider this your very official Not A Supporter Support Line.

It’s alright. Never fear. We’re here to help.


Banter’s as much about the timing as the content, but without the content you’re up a certain creek without a paddle. So here’s a few handy phrases you howl at the top of yr lungs towards the field of play, as well as their translations. Trust us, it’ll make you look like you know what’s going on, which is half the battle won already.

Look at the size of that unit! Translation: That fellow over there, a large man is he.

He’s been doing it all game, ref! Translation: I say there, official? You have been ignoring the actions of a criminal for the entire match thus far.

Ya Mum’s ya Dad! Translation: Good sir, I put it to you that you are so inbred that it’s remarkable your knees haven’t caved inward yet.

Chewy on ya boot! Translation: There appears to be gum affixed to the sole of your kicking boot, you reprobate (to be said just prior to anyone taking a kick)

You’re going home in the back of a divvy van! Translation: The police are hauling you away and they are right to do so (in the event a fan is arrested).

Oh, turn it up! Translation: That is utterly ridiculous! or I simply refuse to believe that just happened!

Nice tackle! Translation: A fine and mighty takedown of that opposition player was just performed! or Incredible penis!

High! Translation: That contact was above the mandated legal level on the body and is therefore mightily unsafe! or I have smoked several bongs!

He couldn’t catch a cold! Translation: He lacks the motor skills necessary to grasp the ball which is a core aspect of this sport! (in the event of a dropped catch) or He is clearly in possession of a mutated immune system rendering him invulnerable to disease! (in the event one of the players is an X-Man).


Footy and beer go together like a bucket and a hole in the ground with water in it: well. At the game though it’s less a matter of casual thirst-quenching desire and more a delicate ballet. Where’s the right bar to go near the stadium? How do you navigate beer lines once you’re in there? What’s the correct amount to get in any one trip? Consider these knowing points:

  1. The bar immediately closest to the stadium is always the worst. Use your Google Maps to find a suburban pub that rests within a 15-minute walk radius of the ground. Less crowds. More character. Still close enough to walk all the way there without needing to piss behind a tree.
  2. Never attempt a beer run at half time, it’s a fool’s gambit. Always go during live play. Stadiums have TVs installed everywhere, so you can keep up with proceedings while waiting in line.
  3. The bar immediately next to any external gate or exit will always be packed. The one a little further around the concourse? Not so much.
  4. Always buy the maximum allotment of beers in any one trip. They have cup holders for a reason. Don’t be a coward about this. You’ll only force yourself to line up again 10 minutes later if you’re buying singles.
  5. Don’t be afraid of a sneaky wine or pre-mix at the bar. Mix it up. It’s your night. Variety is the spice of life.

Follow those handy rules, and buddy? You’re gonna have a hell of a NRL Finals time. A hell of a time.