Extreme Heat Policy Comes Into Play As Australian Open Descends Into Fifth Circle of Hell

Perhaps sensing that having players hallucinating and vomiting everywhere like a scene out of Black Swan – or Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, a real movie! – isn’t ideal, Australian Open officials have this afternoon implemented the tournament’s Extreme Heat Policy for the first time this week at Melbourne Park, as temperatures today peaked at UNGODLY°C.
According to The ABC, tournament referee Wayne McKewen has opted to enforce the extreme heat rule this afternoon, meaning that matches underway will be suspended at the conclusion of the current set and that no other matches scheduled for play on outside courts will take place until conditions improve. Take a knee, everyone, drink some Pimms.

Maria Sharapova, pictured above in the grips of a raging fever dream – Lord have mercy – has told reporters that she felt close to fainting in today’s match against Italian Karin Knapp, which she just won (6-3, 4-6, 10-8): “I remember thinking I was going to pass out but I feel much better now. You just get numb to it.” 

News of the policy’s implementation is expected to provide sweet solace for players continuing on in the tournament, like Our Sam Stosur, who last night urged officials to see reason and literally chill the fuck out: “If it gets to 44 [as it has done], that is certainly another step up. If it’s not cooled off, then you’ve got to really do the right things… not just for us. It’s the fans, the linespeople, the ball kids. Everyone is suffering out there.”

Speaking of Do The Right Thing… Hit it, Mister Señor Love Daddy!

via AAP

Photo: Clive Brunskill via Getty