Eagle Selects Next US President By Landing On Random Fan At Football Game

I don’t pretend to understand the ins and outs of the US political system – particularly when it comes to selecting candidates for the office of Commander in Chief. But I sure as hell recognise the traditional process of Presidential selection, and I respect it. To wit, the next President of the United States has been designated, after a bald eagle shook the shackles of oppression at a College Football game and landed on a random punter in the stands. Just as the prophecies foretold.

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Prior to this morning’s on-going Cotton Bowl clash between Notre Dame and Clemson – a semi-final in the College Football playoffs – fans at AT&T Stadium in Texas were treated to the dawning of a new era in US leadership when Clark, a bald eagle, shirked his pre-designated duties to answer the ancestral Call Of The Nation.

Rather than soar across the ground to his handlers in the Notre Dame endzone as planned, Clark took a brief detour back to the start of his route, landing on a random fan’s back.

From there, Clark surveyed the scene, scouring the 100,000-odd ordinary people in the stands for the chosen one, before selecting he who will lead the United States into the promised land.

America, meet your next President: This guy.


He is all-powerful. A mighty leader. Selected from obscurity by the only pure and fair form of democracy known to man. Let this official Presidential portrait hang from the rafters of every Government building in the land.

Thank you, Clark, for performing your ancient civic duty in heralding the arrival of the new free world leader.

Hail to the new chief: That guy. May his reign be long, benevolent, and free of any instances of historic sexual assault or racist Tweeting.