Cricketers and their Psychoses – Why Are You Always At Silly Point?


The start of the 2012/13 summer of cricket is nigh and, with the Barmy Army still twelve months away, the most disturbed individuals walking our streets will be the cricketers themselves.

Cricketers and their Psychoses – A Guide to Identification and Management

Silly Mid-On/Off Fielder – Debilitatingly Low Self-Esteem

Overview
While those fielding in the ‘near-the-bat’ positions are often labelled ‘crazy’, the underlying cause for their psychosis often goes ignored. The silly mid-on/off fieldsman is a creature of incredibly low self-esteem. If the cricketer chooses to field here, they are accepting that their personal safety is less important than the success of the team. If they are told to field here, the captain is telling them that their safety is less important than the success of the team.

What to look out for
• The wearing of protective equipment in public, non-cricket related environments.
• Individuals cowering into a ball when shocked or surprised.
• General awkwardness in social situations.

What you can do
There is little that can be done for the poor silly mid-on/off fieldsman (the name says as much) but an acknowledgement of their existence, whether through a smile or pat on the back, has been known to facilitate positive change in the afflicted.



Fast Bowler – Anger Management Issues

Overview
Fast bowlers have always been angry human beings. A large part of their job is to terrify batsmen and that’s why we love them. Problems arise however, when this innate rage affects their decision-making ability, rendering the bowlers helpless to their own fury. This can often lead to aggressive confrontations, an inability to forge relationships or gratuitous use of the short ball.

What to look out for
• Inarticulate screaming directed at no one in particular.
• The ‘sending off’ of individuals leaving a room.
• Generic symptoms of the (Merv) Hughes Cycle – bowlers are trapped alternating between yorkers and bouncers for overs on end.

What you can do
Camomile tea has been known to reduce the severity of symptoms however the reported success of yellow Gatorade is yet to be scientifically proven. The most important thing to remember when confronted by a fast bowler is that as long as they don’t feel threatened but you they are often quite pleasant people to be around. So avoid eye contact, surprises or any quick movements and you should be fine.

Opening Batsmen – Bipolar Disorder

Some would argue that there is no job harder, physically or mentally, than opening the batting. One minute you’re creaming short and wide bowling through cover-point, the next minute you’re weaving out of the way of a ball mere millimetres from crushing your larynx. YOUR LARYNX! One minute you’re feeling great, the next you’re a cowering, quivering mess and not even the magic spray can help you. This is the life of an opening batsman.

What to look out for
• A broad shouldered strut to the crease.
• Shoulders slumped, eyes reddened, by the end of the first over.
• In their darker moments, opening batsmen often adhere to stints at silly mid-on/off. See: Justin Langer, Phillip Hughes, Simon Katich, Ed Cowan etc.

What you can do
The largest mental hurdle facing an opening batsman is the belief that if they’re not the worst player in the world, then they must be the best. This is obviously erroneous thinking but repetition of the phrase, ‘I’m good, not great’ has been known to reduce the severity and increase the tolerability of the highs. During the down times, please refer to recommendations outlined for the Silly Mid-On/Off Fielder.

The Right Arm Orthodox Bowler – Delusions of Grandeur

In the field of psychology, pity is never an ideal place to start building a diagnosis from. Except when it concerns Right Arm Orthodox bowlers. The poor deluded fools. Not only are they bowling very very slowly and spinning the ball very very little but, if, on the odd chance it does spin, it does so back into the majority of batsmen. They are actively making the batsmen’s job easier by moving the ball closer to him. The fact that any wickets are taken with this style of bowling is baffling and speaks more to the batsman’s inability to stay awake than the skill of the bowler.

What to look out for
• Eccentric or outrageous behaviour/ hair.
• Low cut, V-neck shirts.
• A general misunderstanding of the world and their place in it.

What you can do?
Challenge an orthodox bowler to a net session, pop a couple of no-doze and spank every delivery back over his head for six. It’s your national duty.

Words by Dan Allan

Picture by Chris Hyde/Getty Images

More Stuff From PEDESTRIAN.TV