If you’re in the mood to feel fucking terrible about your age and, accordingly, what you’ve achieved so far with your life, allow me to recommend: watching the Winter Olympics. The Winter Olympics allow you to marvel as 17-year-olds hurl their bodies with incredible proficiency down slopes that would surely kill a lesser individual, demonstrating a mastery of their art that makes your competency with Microsoft Excel look like absolute dogshit. It’s a trip.
If teen snowboarder Red Gerard winning a gold-medal a mere handful of hours after passing out while watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine wasn’t enough to send you into a dizzying spiral of existential despair, allow me to introduce you to his colleague and fellow teen snowboarder Chloe Kim.
Kim made history today after becoming the youngest woman ever to win an Olympic snowboarding medal, all the while tweeting about how she was hangry and regretted not having finished her breakfast sandwich.
Kim took out the gold in the women’s snowboard halfpipe event today, scoring 93.75 on her first run and besting it with a monster 98.75 on her third and final, taking the time to tweet her breakfast regrets between her second and third runs:
Wish I finished my breakfast sandwich but my stubborn self decided not to and now I'm getting hangry— Chloe Kim (@chloekimsnow) February 13, 2018
If I’m even mildly hangry I struggle to make even simple decisions, let alone set records at one of the most prestigious frosty sporting events in the world. What a ridiculous legend.
Suitably, she was incredibly proud:
I hate crying but I'll give myself a pass for this one. Thank you everyone for the love! Stoked to bring home the gold pic.twitter.com/vxApf1lxbI— Chloe Kim (@chloekimsnow) February 13, 2018
I hope she has an incredible time celebrating while I’m busy working on trying to be happy for her instead of thinking about all the incredibly dumb shit I did with my time when I was 17 and how, now, the only world-class skill I have is I can shotgun a can of XXXX Gold at a rate somewhere in the 99th percentile of Australians. Where is the Olympic event for that?