11 Extremely Bold And Good Predictions For The 2018 AFL Premiership Season

HERE IT BLOODY IS, MATES. With the glorious AFLW season about to wrap up, footy fans across the country are being given the gift of a brand new AFL men’s season, which kicks off tonight at the mighty MCG.

A full season of glorious, glorious football is here, with 9 games per round featuring 18 teams, meaning for those who support clubs without women’s teams, your weekends finally have meaning once again.

But what’s to come over the ensuing six months, dear friends? What will be the dominating headlines for season 2018 be?

We gazed deep into the crystal ball and found this series of entirely serious, very real, totally possible predictions for you to put money on.

Go on. They’re all safe bets. Call your bookie (do not call your bookie).

Jobe Watson brews a cup of coffee so perfect that ASADA investigates it

Just because there’s issues like “he retired last year” and “he doesn’t even live in the country” and “he already served his punishment” and “you’re not the police, dumbass” doesn’t mean that ASADA has ceased its relentless holy pursuit of Jobe Watson. Secret operatives tasked by Ben McDevitt, who will not rest until Watson is suspended from everything indefinitely, sent to Watson’s New York Hole in the Wall cafe return information that the coffee he brews there is good. A little too good. Suspiciously good. McDevitt deems this sufficient evidence enough to launch an all-new investigation into Essendon-related doings. It lasts 28 years, costs the Federal Government $14 billion, and returns no concrete evidence.

Tom Liberatore finally shows back up to training after the 2016 Grand Final after-party

After rightfully sinking a shedload of piss in the immediate aftermath of the Western Bulldogs‘ historic 2016 AFL Grand Final victory, a bleary-eyed Tom Liberatore staggers into training at the Whitten Oval and finds, much to his surprise, that the year is 2018 and he’d been missing for the entire 2017 season. When asked what he was up to during his apparent absence, all anyone can drag out of him is “I tell you what, I have seen some shit.

Mitch Robinson tragically contracts Top Bloke Syndrome from Luke Hodge

Doctors across the nation become absolutely baffled as a health crisis engulfs the Brisbane Lions. Defender Mitch Robinson contracts what experts label ‘Top Bloke Syndrome‘ after coming into contact with new recruit Luke Hodge. Previously thought to be non-contagious and with no cure in sight, the football world helplessly watches on in stunned sadness as Robinson suffers increasingly debilitating symptoms such as an inability to be suspended no matter how hard he hits someone, an increased rate of mistaken free kicks awarded to him, and a round of applause from club officials and the media the morning after being caught drink driving. A true football tragedy.

North Melbourne finds a way to finish 19th

Despite a war chest the size of Glenn Archer’s forehead, North Melbourne’s failure to secure a big-name recruit will result in a season of footy so shockingly below-par that the AFL has no option but to shunt the side one spot further down the ladder than previously allowed, to 19th. The league instead awards 18th spot on the ladder to the roll of tape used on North’s banner, which the side was so weak it could not break through.

Jeremy Howe takes a hanger off MCG Light Tower #5, still loses Mark of the Year

Incensed at being robbed of Mark of the Year last year, Jeremy Howe dedicates his season to finally reclaiming the only award that has meaning to him. A series of daring, body-ruining feats of aerial prowess follows, with scant regard for self-preservation, culminating in a hanger that begins with Howe standing atop one of the MCG’s mighty light towers, swooping down onto the shoulders of his opponent, juggling the mark in one hand, impacting the turf, tunnelling under the playing surface from one 50 arc to the other, emerging on the other side, snapping a blind banana from 45, and watching it sail through the uprights as he perfectly lands in a hard-style good energies pose in front of the camera.

A regulation chest mark, again from Joe Daniher, wins Mark of the Year.

Joel Selwood ducks so hard the game has to pause while someone edits him into a Shooting Stars meme

In an otherwise nondescript mid-season game with little external interest, Geelong star Joel Selwood ducks a tackle and, in the process, loses his footing and crashes into the turf. Sensing a chance to drum up interest, the AFL calls an audible by ordering the match pause while their social media team can edit the footage into a Shooting Stars meme, challenging the public to engage by insisting the game won’t restart until they get 5,000 retweets. It’s a world and internet-first, and it is poorly received by all.

Richmond loses to Adelaide in Round 2 causing one bloke to toss his Membership card into an active volcano

The Premiership sheen for Richmond fans lasts precisely one whole week into the season, before a tough 4-point loss to Grand Final combatants Adelaide at Adelaide Oval causes Richmond fans to do what Richmond fans do best: Immediately and violently lose all hope in their team. Mario from Doncaster, who famously chucked his membership card in the microwave back in 2011, one ups himself by travelling to Bali before Round 3 to defiantly cast his 2018 card into the maw of an active volcano. The Tigers proceed to win the next 8 on the trot.


Toby Greene proudly displays the peach fuzz lip hair he’s been secretly growing out all summer

Attempting to eschew the spoilt little brat persona he’s garnered by a) having the face of a child, and b) kicking people in the face, GWS gun Toby Greene emerges ready for round one sporting a mighty whisp of a moustache that he’s spent the entire off-season cultivating. His maintenance routine is meticulous and time-consuming: two hours every morning gently massaging and working grooming oils into his face, brushing the growth with a comb made of pure ivory, sunning it under a special UV lamp stolen from an Ashley & Martin clinic. Two seconds after stepping onto UNSW Oval in Canberra for round one, the shockwave caused by a cat sneezing three blocks away strips it clean off his face.

Riots erupt in Perth after the new stadium attempts to charge $5 for toilet access to snort goey off of

Already at fury overload over being charged $14 for a wet roll with a lettuce leaf in it, punters attending the new Perth Stadium for West Coast and Fremantle games get pushed over the edge when profit-hungry venue bosses begin trying to charge fans to access the toilets, preventing everyone from engaging in the Western Australian state pastime: Hoovering up the gear like a fucken crim. The ensuing riot eclipses the Great Emu War as the bloodiest conflict in WA history.

Gillon McLachlan offers a rescue package to Tasmanian footy comprising of half an egg sandwich and 26 tonnes of unsold Gold Coast merchandise

Eager to avoid a public relations disaster by arresting the slide of football in Tasmania, crisis meetings at the AFL result in Gillon McLachlan personally assembling a rescue package to send to the embattled state. Two weeks later a shipping container arrives on the steps of Tasmanian Parliament. Officials crack the door open, only for a tsunami of off-the-rack Gold Coast Suns merchandise to pour out; scarves, hats, a curious amount of shirts that read “Gold Coast Suns Premiers 2015″. Attached to the door is a note handwritten by Gill reading “Sorry, bit light on cash at the moment. But this’ll keep you warm during the winter.” Premier Will Hodgman smiles through a grimace while jotting Gillon’s name in a notebook ominously labelled “the list.”