In a cruel inversion of all that you’ve ever held true and dear, England defeated Australia by running back-and-forth 583 times along a patch of grass to claim the second Ashes test at Lords earlier today. Having now secured a 2-0 lead in the Ashes series, England’s victory negated the need for a fifth day of play and sees Australia win the bragging rights to claim their worst losing streak in thirty years after only scoring an “unacceptable” 235 runs.

“To me the score we made in the first innings was unacceptable,” Australian captain Michael Clarke told ABC’s Grandstand. “I don’t want to take any credit away from England, I thought they outplayed us in all facets of the game.”

According to the Sydney Morning Herald and Historical Precedent, England’s two-zip series lead should prove insurmountable, with the last team to come back after a two-nil loss to win the remaining three tests doing so in 1936-7; the world was black and white then, and Donald Bradman was on that team. 

“It was be an astonishing feat for this Australian team, which has now lost six Tests in a row, to emulate such an achievement, given the depths to which it has sunk,” [sic] laments the Herald. If Clarke’s team lose next week’s Test in Manchester, they’ll claim victory as Australia’s Biggest Losers, ever; Ashes to Ashes, hitting an all-time low.

Meanwhile, at the San Diego Comic-Con convention, Hugh Jackman hijacked his X-Men: Days of Future Past panel to offer a suggestion as to how Australia might alleviate their ashen woes: let him play in character as Wolverine and “He could just take them all out.”

The third Test at Old Trafford commences August 1st.

Photo: Mike Hewitt via Getty

via The ABC, #SMHAustralian