We’ve done it! It’s a goddamned miracle! Everyone thought we were pretenders, just there to make up the numbers, didn’t have a chance in hell of getting anywhere in the tournament. But not only have Australia absolutely annihilated the Netherlands, but we’ve gone and won the sodding World Cup in the process. It’s possibly the greatest sporting achievement in our nation’s history. An historic day that will live through the annals as one of the greatest accomplishments our country has ever seen. We, Australia, have won the World Cup.

In hockey.

Alright, so it might not be that other World Cup that everyone can’t seem to stop banging on about at the moment, but to hell with all of that. Our victorious Kookaburras are coming home from Holland having successfully defended their World Cup crown, absolutely thrashing the host nation Netherlands in the final, 6-1. You BEAUTY.

The final was a bruising encounter with several players sent to the sin bin, ruffling the feathers of our tulip tip-toeing foes, and saw our penalty corner specialist Chris Cierello pull of a hat-trick that sealed the comprehensive victory.

The win cements Australia’s mantle as the number 1 nation in the hockey playing world, and further cements our staunch position of not giving a flying fuck about sports the majority of the world cares about, whilst kicking everyone’s arse at niche sports bestowed upon us by the Commonwealth, or excelling at games of our own invention.

‘STRAYA!

Photo: Koen Suyk via Getty Images.