Holy shit. If you weren’t paying full attention for the last day of the AFL Trade & Free Agency period, you missed… well, pretty much everything.

The trade period is done and dusted and thus concludes another silly season for the league, and as the dust is settling clubs are marvelling at their respective hauls.

‘Course not every club can be viewed as geniuses during this period. For every list manager riding high on the swell of victory, several others have to tremble beneath them after being walked on harder than an elephant’s doormat.

Who did well? Who shit the bed? Who were the winners, the losers, and the absolute rank spuds during this year’s Trade Period?

PEDESTRIAN.TV‘s resident footy-knower put his big, oval-shaped brain to work to find out.

WINNERS

ADELAIDE

Gain: Bryce Gibbs, Sam Gibson, 12, 39, 77, future picks.
Lose: Charlie Cameron, Jake Lever, Harrison Wigg, 16, 35, 73, 91, future picks.

Hot damn did that Grand Final loss ever piss Adelaide off. After fielding 22 undercooked noodles against Richmond, the Crows have apparently decided the time for fucking around is done. Showed several want aways the door and brought in some midfield grunt and a high first-round draft pick to boot. There’s a little less flash at West Lakes, but make no mistake about it: They want that fuckin’ cup.

BRISBANE

Gain: Charlie Cameron, Luke Hodge, 15, 18 (compensation) 40, 44, 52.
Lose: Tom Rockliff, Josh Schache, 12, 20, 43, 75.

Lost a star midfielder in Tom Rockliff and a burgeoning gun in Josh Schache, but countered that by luring Luke Hodge out of his lengthy two-day retirement and coaxed a very handy player back home to them for once. Still hold the first pick in the draft. For once, Queensland footy is sunny.

CARLTON

Gain: Matthew Lobbe, Matt Kennedy, Darcy Lang, 10, 30, 73, future picks.
Lose: Bryce Gibbs, 40, 58, 77, 95, future picks.

Bryce Gibbs isn’t a huge loss for a side developing via a long road, but the extra high draft picks are a bonus. Despite Darren Milburn‘s best efforts, Steve Silvagni‘s brain is as sharp and shrewd as ever.

ESSENDON

Gain: Devon Smith, Adam Saad, Jake Stringer, 25, future pick.
Lose: 11, 30, future picks.

If there isn’t a new storey on list manager Adrian Dodoro‘s house by the time he gets home today, the Bombers have cooked it. Stunning trade period from a previously inflexible club who were seemingly adamant that a gun midfield could be grown in a planter box at the Essendon Bowlo. It can’t, and thus the Bombers brought in three of the highest profile trades in exchange for virtually nothing. Adam Saad is, quite quietly, an extremely good get. Flag window is suddenly wide open.

FREMANTLE

Gain: Nathan Wilson, Brandon Matera, 2, 66, 71, 82.
Lose: Lachie Weller, Hayden Crozier, Harley Balic, 57, future picks.

A ho-hum trade period that suddenly became stunning after the Dockers hypnotised Gold Coast into giving up PICK 2 in the dying seconds of the trade period. The Dockers now hold two of the first five picks in the draft. Unbelievable areas.

GEELONG

Gain: Gary Ablett, 24, 58, future picks.
Lose: Steven Motlop, Darcy Lang, 53, future picks.

Lost a couple of jets but (re-)gained the prodigal son. Gary Ablett returns to the Cattery to finish off his storied career in a veteran engine room that now sports 19 All-Australian selections, 5 premierships, 3 Brownlow Medals, and 6 AFLPA MVP awards combined. Ablett, Selwood, Dangerfield. Ordinarily you’d only get that in a rep side. Geelong’s next 24 months are scary.

PORT ADELAIDE

Gain: Tom Rockliff, Jack Watts, Steven Motlop, 61, future picks.
Lose: Jackson Trengrove, Jarman Impey, Brendan Ah Chee, Aaron Young, Logan Austin, Matthew Lobbe, 31, 67, future picks.

For all the talk of Essendon being the “destination club” of the trade period, the Power quietly accumulated a trio of players as good as – if not better than – any group of incoming players seen in recent memory. Couple that with the club taking an absolute broom to their list, sweeping out rogue spuds left, right, and centre, and you’ve got a very lean-looking Port Adelaide list. Depth might be an issue, but that’s what Floaties are for.

LOSERS

COLLINGWOOD

Gain: Sam Murray, future pick.
Lose: Future pick.

Might as well have stayed home and polished the McGuire boys’ boots. A virtual non-factor.

GREATER WESTERN SYDNEY

Gain: 11, 28, 57, future picks.
Lose: Devon Smith, Nathan Wilson, Matt Kennedy, 25, 71, future pick.

Another year, another trade period featuring GWS swapping out solid players for higher draft picks; an occurrence as inevitable as the Earth’s orbit. Sunrise, sunset. Giant out, first round pick in. Snore.

HAWTHORN

Gain: Jarman Impey, 43, 67, 75.
Lose: Luke Hodge, 33, 44, 61, future pick..

Didn’t have much to work with at all given their clusterfuck of an effort last year in which they traded the house, the car, the dog, the shack, the kids, two gold watches, a middling handjob and a set of steak knives in exchange for a kid with the crookest knees and a man named Tyrone. Let Hodgey saunter off to Brisbane with a smile and a hug, which was the right thing to do.

RICHMOND

Gain: 20, 25, 53.
Lose: 15, 52, future pick.

Still hungover and still trying to clean up the mess left on Swan St. Can be forgiven if they forgot this week was on at all.

SYDNEY SWANS

Gain: Future pick.
Lose: Sam Murray, future pick.

No.

ABSOLUTE RANK SPUDS

GOLD COAST

Gain: Lachie Weller, Harrison Wigg, Aaron Young, 19, 41, 50, 54, future picks.
Lose: Adam Saad, Gary Ablett, Brandon Matera, 2, 21, 24, 26, 37, 39, future picks.

Was on the verge of having a good trade period until they mystifyingly gave up pick two for a 21-year-old bag of toothpicks. What the living fuck are they even thinking there. Lost Gaz and an GC original and wound up with not much in return. Boo.

MELBOURNE

Gain: Jake Lever, Harley Balic, 31, 35, future picks.
Lose: Jack Watts, 10, future picks.

Cut the cord on Jack Watts about 4 years too late and rightfully got a half-sucked Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee in return. Burned two first-round draft picks (TWO FIRST-ROUND DRAFT PICKS) on young defender – not a mid, a *defender* – Jake Lever who now has to win 8 Brownlow’s to justify the price paid for him. Not good.

NORTH MELBOURNE

Gain: 46, 91, future picks.
Lose: Sam Gibson, future picks.

Bragged openly and wantonly about a war chest so large it could’ve funded the East-West Link but got sweet fuck all when the going got tough. They didn’t even get near a target. I’d be shocked if anyone even let them into the building. Dunce of a club.

ST. KILDA

Gain: Logan Austin, future picks.
Lose: 59, 63, future pick.

Wanted: Nat Fyfe, Josh Kelly, Dustin Martin. Got: Logan Austin. Holy hell that drive to Seaford must be a monumental pain in the ass.

WEST COAST

Gain: Brendan Ah Chee, 21, 26, 37, future picks.
Lose: 50, future picks.

For reasons that are beyond all conventional wisdom, decided to load up on second-round picks for a draft that’s almost universally agreed to tail off significantly after pick 15. What are they smoking? What do they know that everyone else doesn’t? Are we gonna get a Moneyball-type movie about the Eagles in a few years with Brad Pitt playing Adam Simpson?

WESTERN BULLDOGS

Gain: Jackson Trengrove, Hayden Crozier, Josh Schache, 16, 25, future pick.
Lose: Jake Stringer, 28, 41, 82, future pick.

Hard to think of a way they could’ve cooked the Jake Stringer trade any worse. Practically strapped him to a trebuchet at the end of the season and jettisoned him into the sun, but then turned around and tried to get a King’s Ransom for him. Might set the world record for fastest time a bluff has ever been called. Essendon played them like a fiddle. Their only saving grace was a consolation first-round pick sourced from Carlton at the very death. It’s a kennel from hell RN.