Mates! It’s the day. The special day. It’s bloody AFL Grand Final Day. Footy Christmas. The big dance. The hot tamale. The Bigg Boi of Football.
Once again the final day on the yearly AFL calendar is upon us, and around the country barbecues are firing up, pubs are slowly filling, and the MCG area is positively bristling with excitement over the prospect of a gripping contest between West Coast and Collingwood.
[jwplayer uhR6V6TN]
While most neutral fans will probably turn their nose up at the idea of a Grand Final matchup between the two great Evil Empires of the AFL, but no matter where your allegiances lay one common thread on this day of days truly unites us all: the tossing back of stone cold, delicious frothy boys.
You, all day basically.
The smart thing would be to pace yourself throughout the day, making sure to sub in the occasional water or two, and not go too overboard in order to preserve body and mind.
The genius thing, however, would be to immediately crack open a full six pack and settle in for a full day of bending yourself over backwards by chugging along to this very official, deeply serious, completely legitimate Official 2018 AFL Grand Final Drinking Game.
Just because it’s a marathon doesn’t mean it’s not also a sprint, don’t ya know.
Also moderation is key look after yourself don’t be a dummy know your limits etc etc ON TO THE RULES.
TAKE A DRINK WHEN…
- The Black Eyed Peas deliver one of the most profoundly weird and deeply out-of-place pre-game performances in Grand Final history. Take bonus drinks if they try to drop footy terminology into the performance and fuck it up spectacularly. Where is the love? Not here, buddy.
- Jimmy Barnes pulls the runaway train back onto the tracks by belting Working Class Man out of his withered, 62-year-old ass. The classics never go out of style.
- Brian Taylor tries to pull a Grand Final edition of Roaming Brian and gets horribly shut down by a raft of players, because there’s a flag to be won and no one has time for his shit today. Thanks Brian. Fuck off Brian.
- Anyone actually manages to clear the Yarra on this year’s Longest Kick competition. Given the fact that the lineup this year includes Zach Merrett, who is roughly the size of the inner-most babushka doll, this one’ll probably go dry.
- Any time Wayne Carey is shown on screen because, once again, it’s the only thing that’ll get you through the realisation that Channel Seven seems insistent on employing this egomaniacal, repeated domestic abusing, miserable piece of shit.
IF YOU’RE SUPPORTING THE WEST COAST EAGLES, TAKE A DRINK WHEN…
- You get crabby that this game is being played in Melbourne, at Collingwood’s home ground, despite the fact that the Eagles finished higher on the ladder and should therefore have home ground advantage. One drink, one middle finger to the league’s rampant Victorian centrism.
- Big Josh Kennedy kicks a bloody sausage roll. Football is simply a game of kicking more goals than the opposition, after all. And the big bear of a bloke is as good at that as anyone else in the league. Plus if you slam enough of the good stuff, you might forget that the mural of him painted in Perth makes him look like a Who from Whoville.
— Cam Tyeson (@camtyeson) September 27, 2018
The face. It’s bung.
- Luke Shuey gets near it. Because Shuey. Shoey. Get it? Funny name. Funny stuff right there, folks. Just don’t suck the froth out of your actual shoe. Because shoeys, as we all know, are gross as hell. Keep that shit on yr feet.
- Eddie McGuire‘s sulking mug gets shown on screen. Hard to say what’s more delicious here: The beer or Ed’s tears. Drink ’em both in.
- Andrew Gaff is shown on screen, because he was totally hard done by in that case where he wantonly broke a child’s jaw in four places and you simply refuse to entertain thoughts otherwise. A bigger travesty than Apartheid.
- Anytime your paths cross with a Fremantle fan on the day, because as a big brother, constantly winding up your little brother never stops being funny.
- The final siren blares and your objectively terrible team song blares out over the MCG speakers. Because while it’s a bad song, it’s your bad song. And as of now, it’s a Premiership winning song. The cup goes west for the fourth time in team history, and you get to board that bleary-eyed flight back home a winner. You beauty.
IF YOU’RE SUPPORTING THE COLLINGWOOD MAGPIES, TAKE A DRINK WHEN…
- Mason Cox gets anywhere near the ball. Partly because he’s one of the absolute goodest units in the league, and partly because it’s the last time this year where it’s socially acceptable to yell “BIG COX” in public spaces. BIG COX. BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG COXXXXXXXXXX.
- Andrew Gaff gets shown on screen, because oh no, such a shame, poor dude, you break one kid’s jaw with a horrific act of violence and they make you miss a Grand Final, woe is fucken he.
- Jeremy Howe takes a big bloody hanger. Might need a spare carton or two for this one. Could get real messy real quick.
- Some salty Eagles fan comes at you with a limp “Collingwood fans have no teeth” barb. Shine ’em a big ole’ smile and slam one back, no matter how many pegs you’re rocking in the gob.
- Any mention of the fact that Brodie Grundy is a little bit alternative is made. Everything he does is alternative. He wins a ruck contest? It’s an alternative hit-out. Takes a big grab? Alternative-mark. Kicks a behind? Alternative-goal. Have an alternative drink and think about a laneway.
- Any club legend of yore is shown on screen being emotional. Ain’t nothing on earth more moving than a happy, teary old boy. Tony Shaw, Peter Daicos, or Rowdy Brown getting misty-eyed on the tele? Same. Drink through the tears.
- Joffa puts on the Gold Jacket, because football’s coming home baby! Hot Pies!
