This Valentine’s Day, Let’s Cancel The Emotionally Unavailable Fucks We Date

Valentine’s Day is here. If you’re dating someone and it’s somewhat stable, you’re probably either scoring a few flowers or some sort of naff chocolate box today, or you and your partner believe it’s a day created by Hallmark to burn holes in our wallets.

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Aaaand if you’re single? Today can go die in a hole, along with every fucking human being walking around your city carrying servo roses or a giant teddy.

This year, I am proposing a challenge for all of the single guys and gals out there. Let’s look at Valentines Day NOT as a time to feel shit about our lack of a love life, and instead use it as the New Years Day of dating. As in, the day we make firm resolutions and generally Marie Kondo the fuck out of our dating lives.

2019 – the year we throw all of these people we’ve definitely been dating (or are dating) – in the bloody bin.

1. Emotionally Unavailable Messes

Ughhhhhhhhh how are there so many of these in the world? It’s like every second person you date these days seems fine until two months in, when they drop the “let’s keep it casual” or “I can’t do serious right now” on you. This, my friends, is emotional unavailability – also evidenced by the following behaviour: doesn’t want to meet anyone in your life, barely makes first contact, thinks you’re fucking Christmas until you have one (1) miniature problem with something they say/do and then immediately retreat into their emotional cave.

These people aren’t worth your time – they might be good humans in general, you might have amazing chemistry, it’s all irrelevant though because this person will NEVER commit and you’ll just feel shit about yourself 24/7. Delete.

2. Orbiters

Get your phone out. Find any person you dated in the last… well, ever who a) isn’t your friend and b) isn’t someone you are dating right now. Then block them.

Sound harsh? Who needs those people you once dated for like, 0.3 seconds watching ALL YOUR INSTAGRAM STORIES and LIKING ALL YOUR SELFIES. No, it’s weird, why do you want to know about my life when you chose not to date me and also are not remotely my friend. Goodbye.

3. “I’m So Busy, Babe”

Okay – unless you are Barack Obama, you are not too busy to text someone back. Or go on a date within the next 2 weeks. I’m sorry, no one is that busy – let’s all stop using the excuse of being “busy” to avoid people we don’t really want to date but just want around our general periphery in case we are bored or horny at some point. And let’s stop giving those people the time of day. Sorry Obama-The-Second, enjoy being eternally busy while I am over here dating other people who are normal.

4. The Never-Texter

Again – no one is too busy to never text you back. Sure, some times are genuinely busy depending on your job or lifestyle. For example, if you are dating a marine biologist, maybe they sometimes swim with the fishies to do… recording and data things… and maybe pat them… I don’t entirely know what a marine biologist does, but whatever! They might be literally UNDERWATER and unable to reply until the arvo. That’s fine – as long as they reply in the arvo.

Basically, you text the people you like. Even if you’re a bit of a shit when it comes to texting in general, you’ll find a way to stay in touch with someone you’re into – no one DOESN’T LIKE TO COMMUNICATE AT ALL. And if they do, they’re not dating. What I am saying is, if you feel like the person you’re seeing goes AWOL and ignores you, it’s probably bc they’re not that interested and are being a fucking coward. And I say this directly to myself, because I have done this in the past.

5. Anyone Who Makes You Feel Like Shit

If I were to sum all of this up, it would be this. If you feel like shit in whatever dating thing you’re in, it’s probably because you’re not getting what you need out of it. We all need different things at different times – but the one factor we should always consider is whether whatever we’re getting is making us feel good or like we want to die in a hole.

If you’re seeing someone and you constantly feel sad, it’s because they’re not meeting your needs. And you’re awesome! You deserve those fucking needs met, you delightful crumpet! Anyone who doesn’t make you feel secure and happy (even if it’s just casuale, it should leave you feeling secure and happy) can fuck right off, if I may politely say so. Doesn’t mean they’re an asshole, just means they’re not right for you. OK?

Now stop glaring at your colleagues big bunch of trash-roses and go put on ‘Survivor’ by Destiny’s Child immediately.