I don’t know whether to blame the end-of-year excitement, the clocking off of work, the Christmas cheer or that annual new-year-new-me existential crisis, but the December/January period incites a whole lot of fucking strange hookup scenarios, more so than any other time throughout the year.
As my splendid co-worker Lav tells me, “My hometown has a population of 14,000. It’s so wild in December/January. Everyone fucks like rabbits.” Tea.
Whether it be the inevitable hometown crush hookup, that risky office Christmas party bang or seks with that person on NYE whose name you’ll never, ever know, ever, ‘tis most certainly the season to get buckwild and find yourself in situations that’ll leave you thinking, ‘lmfao I can’t believe I did that’, in hindsight.
So, without further ado, here are the types of hookups you’re bound to encounter this holiday season, ranked from cheerful and Christmasy to chaotic and Grinchy. (Let’s name each bang as a Friends episode, because Friends makes everything better and will disguise our inevitable shame at finding ourselves in these scenarios. Great. Let’s go.)
The One With The Unfinished Business
Fuck closure is a thing and sometimes, particularly when returning to your hometown, a casual romper session is required to completely close the book on that unfinished business. Nothing but respect for the hustle.
The One With The Hometown Bucketlist
Similarly, there’s always that one person from your hometown who you’ve admired from afar and secretly wanted to tap. It’s like, regardless of whether the hookup was good or not – probably not – you leave the situation with The Lonely Island‘s “I Just Had Sex” ft. Akon playing on repeat in your head, because you finally conquered that fantasy. You a boss. Prouda you.
The One With The Random Pub Drifter
Then there’s the inevitable person you just happened to end up with from the pub. His name is probably Paul – or something of the sort. He lost his mates an hour or so ago, wants to hijack the tunes to play “Come On Eileen”, thinks you’re hot, would bang. And hey, ain’t nothing wrong with a cute one night of consensual McLovin’.
KINDA CHAOTIC TIER
The One With The Office Party Regret
YES BITCH. Okay, now we’re moving into some low-key frightening territory. Getting with someone in the office is dangerous territory, as is, let alone when you’re at a Christmas party (AKA an environment with an abundance booze, and the added likelihood of sipping one-too many Proseccos and confessing your undying love to Craig from finance).
The One With The Nameless NYE Encounter
Heading into NYE with an eye out for a cheeky pash is akin to the experience of picking blindly into a box of Favourites – you never know what you’re going to end up with. Usually, it’s some random person whose jokes annoy you, with a name you’ll never, ever know. NO RAGRETS THOUGH, BABAY.
The One With The New-Year-New-Me Existential Crisis
That January person who’s purely there because you’re having an existential crisis brought on by the new year? Yep, them. This one is less of a hot chaotic energy and more of an underwhelming vibe, because we inevitably realise that they’re not the right fit and move on accordingly. A bit of a fizzler. Oop.
HOT CHAOTIC ENERGY TIER
The One With The Weird Horny Christmas Eve Soiree
I’m talking that moment all the excitement for Christmas somehow gets channelled into a weird festive horniness, in which you’ll fuck a random who just met at a Christmas Eve party in an open, public space. Yep, that whole thing. This one’s kinda wild. I’m not religious in the slightest but even I feel like fucking a random the night before Jesus’ birthday is low-key sacrilegious. I feel like I’d find myself at the gates of hell, the next morning (real-talk though, hell would be so much more fun). Or maybe I’d just feel guilty, having to wake up that morning and spend an entire day with family and relatives asking if I’ve ‘met a special someone.’ Chaotic.
The One With The High School Hatred
The good ol’ “I hated you in high school and still kind of fucking hate you but, hey, why not?” bang. The most polarising bang of them all. On one hand, will probably amount to nothing positive and may even haunt you for years to come. But on the other hand, kind of admirable. Definitely chaotic energy, nonetheless.
Merry festive season, kiddies. Run wild, wear protection and remember, if anything, at least you created some good content out of it.Image: Getty Images / David Becker / Stringer