There’s A Borderline Creepy World Of ‘Apps For Couples’ If You’re Keen

I was recently introduced the expanding world of apps designed for couples to use to ~spice things up~ or ~enhance the romance~. Until that point, I’d only chatted with my boyfriend using Facebook Messenger – or, you know, in person – but apparently I should be using a platform designed just for us. 

There’s a huge number of couples’ apps out there, so I decided to use as many as I could over one week and see which ones stuck, and which ones made me want to drop my phone in the ocean. SPOILER ALERT: it was most of them.

Kindu suggests things to do as a couple, which you mark as ‘definitely’, ‘maybe’ or ‘no’, then you’re matched on ‘definitely’s and ‘maybe’s. It’s ostensibly designed to make it easier to talk about awkward sex things with your partner.

Some of the suggestions are quite unachievable on a student budget – e.g. “Make some love while up in a helicopter”. Some aren’t achievable at all, like “Get down and dirty in a submarine”. Then there are the oddly tame suggestions, like “Planting some vegetables in the garden together”. Yeah. That level tame.

It also never asked for our gender, and seems to have sussed that out on its own to make gender-based suggestions… except it decided my boyfriend identifies as a girl ¯_(?)_/¯.

It is actually really fun, though. We’ve had a great laugh about some of the suggestions, and some of the others, well… anyway. Would recommend.

There’s a huge variety of these apps, which generally offer messaging and photo sharing with cutesy twists like sending kisses to each other. 

Avocado lets you hug your partner by literally hugging your phone to your chest (I challenge you not to feel ridiculous doing this), or by palming the screen as my ~incredibly affectionate~ bf/guinea pig discovered.

Twyxt has some more unique features. For instance, you can virtually spank your partner – complete with sound effects. There’s also a ‘freeze’ feature that makes your partner work through an icy screen by tapping it repeatedly to talk to you – I guess to show their dedication?

Between is more generic but actually looks nice and works well – quite unusual in the world of couples’ apps from what I can tell.

I guess these apps could be good for people in long-distance relationships. Personally, though, I found the virtual hugs and kisses really alienating, especially when they rely on the other person being online. When my boyfriend was offline (which was often because we both prefer Facebook), it just made me feel lonely – in a way I generally don’t when I’m using social networks with other friends as well.

  

Kouply brings out your competitive side to completely ruin/spice up your relationship. You give your partner points for doing nice things for you and compete with them, plus you can compete as a couple with other couples – what could possibly go wrong?

Unfortunately, it crashed and wouldn’t let us pair. Pretty disappointing seeing as I was really looking forward to competing with my friends to see whose love was stronger. Although perhaps after a week of making him use ridiculous apps and icing him out on Twyxt, that was never going to go well.

Spreadsheets analyses your sexual performance by collecting statistical data on movement, sound and duration while you’re having sex. 

Unfortunately, there’s no “I live at home right now and I just heard someone go to the kitchen stop moving” setting for the less vocally-inclined/able. An “Our phone is literally listening to us having sex, this is weird” option wouldn’t go astray either.

 

BangFit is an app PornHub released recently that promises to make you fit by having sex. You sync a workout from your computer to your phone, then put your phone in a special BangFit belt and wearing that belt during sex. Then you’re supposed to watch a video on the screen telling you how to have sex and follow along. When you’re done, it calculates how many calories you burned.

I honestly just can’t with this one. Watch the video, be disturbed, fear for the future, etc.

mCouple allows you to track your partner’s texts, calls, Facebook activity and even GPS location of their significant other, because trust is so old school. 

I find the idea of tracking a partner super, super creepy, but it actually barely works! Call and text sharing is blocked by iOS, and the Facebook encrypts its chat data. Maybe the developers should take that as a hint?

I tracked my boyfriend’s location for a whole day. At one point, he left the house but he was just getting a coffee, not having an affair. I can’t think of a more interesting way I could have spent my time.

Overall, the only app I would continue to use is Kindu, mainly because it doesn’t take itself too seriously. The other more ~romantic~ ones place intense importance on intensely romantic relationships, and would involve a fairly big change in how I communicate with my boyfriend that we found really difficult to keep up even over a week. 

The sex analytics ones, on the other hand… nah.