If I said the words “socially-distanced dildo” to you, what comes to mind? Is it a long pole with a wiggling rabbit duct-taped to the end? Maybe some kind of app-based pleasure so you can root while you’re apart from your lover? Or is it a socially distanced strap-on monstrosity with a shaft that’s a full fuck-off metre long, which looks like it’ll do more harm than good? Well, I’m very happy (and a little alarmed) to let you know that the latter quite possibly exists, or at least the idea of it exists.

The Socially Distanced Strap-On is waving about on Indiegogo right now, and though it might have only four (4) backers and a total of $97 gathered of its $9000ish goal with nine days left at the time of writing, it’s still utterly terrifying to look at.

With a concept created by Lee James Allen from the UK, the COVID friendly (?) toy is aimed to “help” new romantic partners cop a cheeky root without breaking social distancing rules.

In reality (or at least a mock-up of what could be) the safe sex ~gamechanger~ looks like something you could probably knock someone out with.

socially distanced strap-on sex toy concept
JESUS CHRIST ON A BIKE. (Image: Indiegogo)

Would you get a look at that bloody thing? You’d likely do some damage with this socially distanced strap-on before you bring anyone to the Big O. Imagine trying to somehow hide this in your pants, the tip and like a good 30cm (???) of the shaft would hang out the bottom of your pants leg.

I don’t know if I’m appreciative or deeply disturbed by the fact they’ve made it as lifelike as possible, despite being a metre-long hog. The veins, my God.

socially distanced strap-on sex toy concept
Me, simply trying to drink my afternoon tea while looking at this….thing.

If you can’t quite picture just how long this monster faux-dong is, don’t worry because the creators have also provided a handy guide, measuring the big boner up against other household items.

socially distanced strap-on sex toy concept
Ah yes, about three Pringles cans end to end. (Image: Opening Gambit)

Quick question, how would you even use this? Surely someone’s gotta be standing up on some higher ledge or a few stairs up or something, and even then getting the rhythm right would be near impossible.

You’d also be trying so hard to maintain a good stroke while also not impaling your partner through their vajoot or anoos that you simply wouldn’t have much fun yourself. Maybe they should be marketing this as the ultimate core strength machine, because if anything you’re gonna get a hell of a workout.

And please, Mr Allen, if you manage to get enough backers on this ridiculous (and hilarious, and terrifying) thing to make a prototype, don’t send me one. Do NOT send it to me! Absolutely do not email me at courtney@pedestriangroup.com.au and get my address and send me a socially distanced strap-on. Do not!!!

If you do send me thing monster, I’ll truly never live it down with my housemates.

But it might be solid gold stuff for my friend’s hens party.

Image: Opening Gambit