I’ve Picked The Absolute Worst Time In Around 70 Years To Be Single


Are you single? No? So you’re some sort of loved up monster coming here to laugh at our misfortune? Whatever. Come on in, kick me in the emotional dick if you want. I can take the pain, since life already monumentally sucks.

First, let’s all acknowledge a few things. Being single in these times of coronavirus isolation is a relatively low-grade concern. A first-world problem, if you will. I have a job. I have my health. I have a home to quarantine safely in.

But gripes are gripes, even when you’re aware of all the blessings you do have in life. Let me have a whinge, ok? Just let me have this one whinge and then I’ll go back to being grateful.

I wasn’t really dating before lockdown. I was single – my last relationship ended in July. But aside from a few hook ups, I just wasn’t perusing the apps and going on actual dates. Work was busy, it was the end of the year and shit was on, etc.

So lockdown shouldn’t have affected my romantic life at all, except as we all know – when someone won’t let you have something, it’s ALL YOU FUCKING WANT GIVE IT TO ME.

Basically, once lockdown ruled out hook ups and IRL dates, all I wanted to do was hook up with everyone and go out always. Who cares that I was not that interested prior to lockdown! I’m not allowed to, so now it is all I want to do!

I’ve been stewing on how shit it is to be single during lockdown for a while now, and I have Some Thoughts.

1. No One Will Finish The Lasagne, So I Finish The Lasagne

I love comfort food, and if I’m at home all day on a normal weekend, I always end up cooking this giant pasta bake, or a massive casserole. I can’t help myself. But I’m not often at home on a weekend all day unless I’m in that loved up gross stage of a relationship.

A relationship means two people are eating the giant lasagne or whatever, and one of those people is often an eternally hungry boy. Now, I am an eternally hungry girl, but if I eat whole lasagnes all the time I will also die of heart failure, probably. At the very least, I’ll end up in a carb stupor with sauce dribbled all down my front, crying over Claire’s death in McLeod’s Daughters as I rewatch it for the 78th time.

Right now, I’m home all the time and have no one to share the eating load. I think you know what is happening in my household, and I can’t say I’m proud of it.

2. It’s Almost Winter And I Hate Being Cold In Bed

In summer, having no partner rules – entire bed to yourself! Throw the covers on and off willy-nilly! But in winter it gets cold, and having a furnace-level warm body (why are boys bodies so fucking BOILING HOT) next to you, cuddling you like a human sized electric blankie, is a real vibe.

Since we’re in lockdown for at least three months, likely longer – I can safely say I will have to make do with putting my electric blanket on level a million, then roasting my insides.

3. There Aren’t Any Boy Jumpers To Borrow

I could buy myself a boy hoodie, but that’s not as FUN GUYS! Fuck, didn’t we agree I got to whinge for the next thirty minutes? I just want a boyfriend’s hoodie that I can mooch around the house in like a little marle grey troll. Is that so much to ask. I also know c/o my many lesbian friends that this rule of borrowing your partner’s super comfy tees/jumpers/etc even if you yourself have various comfy tees/jumpers/etc still applies. There’s just something perfect about stealing someone else’s shit and wearing it.

Also NO I can’t use the ones I still have from various exes. Don’t you know about bad juju.

4. Now I’m Gonna Have To Make My Own Mulled Wine

Each winter when I’ve been going on dates – whether with a committed partner or single/ready to mingle, I revel in going to small, warm pubs and bars that sell mulled wine. I fucking love mulled wine – heat up my alcohol and shove sweet shit into it, thank you ma’am.

But now I can’t go to the pub! I can’t go on my mulled wine dates! What am I supposed to do, make that shit in my house? Well, yes – and I’m very aware there are some excellent recipes out there. Here’s the thing – I am terrible at things that take time, like mulling wine. Fast recipes? Gimme. Time consuming, “the secret is in letting it simmer” stuff? Enjoy the taste of burning stainless steel.

5. Sorry But Wanking Is Not The Same As Sex

Wanking is great. Wank away, everyone! But it simply is not the same as having sexy arm muscles to hold, and someone kissing you, and abs… is it hot in here?

I think we can all agree that unless you’re currently living with your partner or seeing them (safely!!!) then you’re horny as hell and feeling like someone kicked you out of FunLand Arizona.

6. There’s No One To Whinge To

Why do you think I’m whinging to you, in this article? Romantic partners are the BEST for self-involved whinging to! They are contractually obligated to listen, you get to yell at them if they try and offer practical advice, and they stroke your hair and tell you nice things.

You know who I currently have to whinge to? My sister, who tells me to shut the fuck up and that I talk about myself too much, and my dog – who just licks all the moisturiser off my legs and doesn’t listen.

7. I Can’t Even Live My Best Single Life

The thing about being single is, you do have all these zesty benefits. Like, I have no obligations besides which friends I wanna see and going to work. I can hook up with anyone I want to. I don’t have to help a boyfriend with their inspection cleaning coz “all the hair in the shower is yours”.

When you’re in a relationship you voluntarily spend all this time indoors watching Netflix shows and eating mild Pad Thai, because you have this person you’re obsessed with and even the mundane shit seems shiny and Christmassy.

Like I get that even those in relationships have had to sacrifice going out, but consider this – being at home is like the LAST thing I want to do when I’m single. Sometimes, sure, it’s a vibe but usually I’m filling my weekend with stuff to stave off the existential dread of dying alone, with my decayed body dripping through my apartment floor into the one below the only sign I have passed on from this life.

Anyway I think I’m done with the whinging. Thanks for listening.