When it comes to single hetero men and their bathroom habits, there are simply two camps. So aggressively clean they come off like serial killers, and so filthy and chaotic they come off like little piglets living in their own shit.

I’m not here to talk about the serial killers. I’m here to talk about the garbage people. Those that seem to enjoy living in their own squalor. As someone who has been on/off single for the last five or so years, I have SEEN SOME SHIT. Some literal shit, but also some metaphorical shit.

Friends, and specifically heterosexual males, we need to address a few things.

1. Toothbrushes In The Shower

Look, I take offence at any sighting of a toothbrush that loiters in the shower when it’s not being used. But I do understand some people like to keep theirs there, and I’ll accept it (but not partake) in a toothbrush placed in a holder that’s suctioned high up on the shower wall, away from rogue water splashes that come directly off your dirty skin.

What I cannot abide by is a toothbrush that lies in a low-down soap holder (I’ve seen this), that drowns in water that rolls off your balls. Not to mention from under your pits. And your housemates pits and balls. And your other, grosser housemate’s pits and balls. Everyone’s pit and ball juice, all over your toothbrush.

Worse still, I’ve seen toothbrushes ON THE FLOOR OF THE SHOWER. Just lying in the stagnant post bathing slosh down there. Marinating in it.

2. Pube Shavings, Anywhere

Ok I know guys tidy up down there. I think this is a good thing. Do that tidying (don’t do too much, there is an art to it) but for the love of god, do it IN THE SHOWER RECESS and then rinse away the evidence, or do it directly over the toot and then check for stragglers, you know?

No one – not me, the girl you’re dating or sleeping with or whatever, and especially not whoever else lives in your house – wants to come across a light misting of your pubes around the toot or on the seat. Or worse, in front of the sink (yes, I’ve seen this).

3. Beard Shavings On All Surfaces

Less gross than pubes because of their location on the body, but far more rampant in every man’s bathroom I’ve ever been in, beard shavings are the WORST. Mainly because guys seem to just not give a shit where they go and don’t seem to think they require a quick Swiffer up.

I lived with a gay man for a year and he also was notorious for committing this crime, so I like to think this isn’t an exclusively hetero male thing and is a general male-with-beard issue. Guess what – I don’t want your beard hairs in my toothbrush, I don’t want them all over the hand soap, and I don’t want to see them as a gentle coating on an open jar on coconut oil – again, yes I saw this first hand. Months of beard shavings had coated an open jar of coconut oil. I wish I could remove that image from my brain, but I can’t. It’s there now. Forever.

4. Poo Trails In The Toot

I understand that doing a shit doesn’t mean you’ll always aim perfectly. Sometimes the poo slides in instead of landing neatly in the waters of your dunny, and that’s ok. What is not ok is thinking you can just leave (???) the markings there (???????)

This blows my mind because women are, whether overtly or subliminally, taught from childhood to basically be poo-free beings, and if you must poo it should be a quiet, secretive girly poo that no one ever knows about. So the idea that you at some point learned to flaunt your shit by simply leaving the trail in your communal toilet, especially when you know someone you want to sex with is coming over is WILD. Nothing is more sexually off-putting than seeing poo in the toot. The absolute arrogance you have to have to just leave your poo stain in there.

Once a guy came over to MY house, was sleeping still when I left for work, and left a BACK OF THE TOOT poo trail for me to discover when I got home.

5. Black Mould

I shit you not, one time I was dating this guy and it was the first night I stayed over. I went into the bathroom and saw a walk-in shower which had black mould growing upwards around all four walls. It was half-way up. BLACK mould. The kind that leaves spores in your lungs. The kind that needs time to develop. Years, probably. The kind you only get when you haven’t once washed the shower.

This guy lived with three other single men, I think we can safely say no one ever cleaned that shower.

6. A Pile Of Connected Soap Slivers Making One Large, Greying Bacterial Soap Monster

What the fuck is your problem. Why do you want to upset me like this, with your sludgy, rogue-hair-filled soap demon. Just buy that giant 12 pack of Imperial Leather, it’s $3. The sliver-monster is not environmentally friendly wastage avoidance, it’s a hub for flesh-eating bacteria. You’re not doing this to be kind to the environment, you’re doing it because you don’t want to spend $3 on 12 soaps when you could just reuse that gritty, debris-filled cluster you’ve created.