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Long gone are the days of star signs. Wishy-washy ambiguous personality types based on the date your potential bae was born, in all honesty, just won’t tell you the hard #facts you need to know about them, or if you are compatible or not. A Leo can be just as shy as a Cancer and a Pisces can be just as controlling as a Taurus. Hell, there is even proof your star sign isn’t your star sign anymore. The whole thing – a mess! 

However, if anything positive has come out of COVID-19, it’s that quarantine has brought out the true colours in everyone and I’ve found it’s divided us into eight distinct personality types, all based on what type of quarantiner you are. It’s my personal guarantee they will tell you more about yourself and another person than star signs ever could. They should be labelled on dating profiles, there should be a daily column for each of them in the newspaper, they should each have their own symbols you can get tattooed behind your ear.

“I’m SUCH a typical Germophobe, haha”.

Just as star signs come with elements, symbols and stones, quarantine personalities come with something a helluva lot more practical. Sex toys. You’re welcome. Take a seat, child – let me tell you which one you are (hoping you are not actually a child).

1. The Opportunist

Wow, you have never been doing better. The money you have saved from not going out is stacking up in your bank account and you feel great about it. You are also taking this time to finally get fit and healthy. Not having to travel to and from work has left you with this extra time and you are using it wisely. You have abs for the first time in ten years. You are cooking healthy foods for yourself every night and really enjoying your new routine.

You love what you see in the mirror but when you felt yourself becoming narcissistic you started practising meditation. Please stop improving for just a second – you are making the rest of us look bad. You can’t wait to see where you are in a year’s time because you will never return to your old habits. Quarantine has saved you, a godsend. Your skin is shining, your hair is growing, your mind is calm, your ass is perky, your WAP is… WAPpy. This whole experience has taught you how to look after yourself and you are THRIVING, mama! 

Sex Toy: You have your head held high, your chest puffed out. You are never looking back. You are full of energy and have long battery life. You have the class, luxury, poise and most importantly posture of this clitorial vacuum sucker. We all thought we were going to be you going into iso, but the top tier have proved themselves. You make panties drop with minimal effort. Damn, are we jealous of you.

2. The Hobbyist

Always looking to the bright side of life, you were quick to see the wonderful opportunities this extra time alone brought with it. Finally having time to practice the guitar you’ve bought for yourself three Christmas ago has honestly been what you prayed for the past few years. You are also painting with your room mate and learning Spanish because you were pretty good at it in high school and want to regain your skills. You are confident this pandemic won’t last forever so you are making the most of it while it’s still going. It doesn’t suit you to mope around the house – it’s really not all that bad. You are going to come out of quarantine with ten new skills – good on you, pal.

Sex Toy: You, my friend, are the Deluxe Rabbit Vibrator. Doing multiple things at once for your own benefit and pleasure, not to mention you are cute as fuck (enter me now).

3. Secretly Loving 2020

You would never tell a soul, but you are secretly LOVING quarantine. Things weren’t going so great for you before the pandemic hit, but suddenly you are back on a level playing field with everyone else. You have used the excuse of a pandemic for almost everything – “During a pandemic?” is practically your automated response for every request.

Your parents are off your back about not having a job or a partner, you can’t finish that DIY project you started last year because going to Bunnings is so not hygienic right now, mum. You are the type to flake on seeing friends last minute, so forced isolation has obliterated any guilty feelings you have about being a shitty friend. Quarantine, you’re alright with me

Sex Toy: Going off appearances, you look just like everyone else. However, you are getting more pleasure than anyone would ever know at first glance. You are a bullet vibrator.

4. The Binger

A hedonist at heart, you are all about doing what gives you pleasure right now. You ordered Uber Eats every night for dinner last week, and a few lunches too, maybe even a rogue breakfast. A little (or a lot) of weight gain is going totally unnoticed by anyone and you think your own pot belly is kind of sexy anyway. For the first time in your life, nobody is around to judge you and your choices.

You have watched every Netflix / Stan / Amazon series you have ever wanted to, critically acclaimed or not. You’ve also knocked out the first few seasons of the Kardashians – Kourtney has not aged a day, What’s her secret? you wondered. You have put zero pressure on yourself to learn new skills. Just keeping comfortable and relaxed is top priority right now and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sex Toy: You are round and full of pleasure. You are the Clitoral Vibrator With Swirling Pleasure Bead.

5. The Germophobe

The pandemic has hit and you are taking zero chances. You leave the house for nothing or no one, only in the most extreme of cases. You are taking this seriously. If Timothee Chamalet was banging on your door begging you for a date – you would not answer, only spray and wipe it when he left.

You are stocked up on face masks and gloves, even wearing them around the house. You are a meticulous sanitiser – before and after every meal, after you touch a door handle and every thirty minutes just to be sure. Yes, this has been going for six months but time will not wear you down or make you complacent. You know what 1.5m looks like with the naked eye down to the millimetre and anyone who penetrates that bubble around you is not going to like what they see. The habits you have picked up will even extend beyond the pandemic’s ends, you can never be too careful.

Sex Toy: You are a survivor. You are clean, you are important, you will save us all. You are this Antibacterial sex toy cleaning spray.

6. The Pessimist

You have the news switched on 24/7. You are on Twitter – a lot. You haven’t slept properly in a good few weeks. You hate this new world and it’s slowly eating at you every day. This truly may never end. You aren’t looking after yourself, what’s the point? Your regrowth is just your hair colour now. Your mum is so worried about you, she recently texted “Make sure you get some sun, sweetie,” but you didn’t reply – or get any sun. This world was never that great anyway – #WeAreTheVirus.

Sex Toy: You are influenced by constant streams of negative news and doom scrolling. You are a sensitive and very impressionable. You are a transforming and flexible vibrator.

sex toy

7. Forgetful AF

Nothing has really changed for you during the pandemic. You are still working, you still get a coffee and lunch from the same place and sometimes you forget that this whole thing is happening around you.

You are still dating and your social life is still alive and well. Forgetful AFers get along best with other Forgetful AFers. When you run into someone on the street you give them a hug or a handshake before realising and apologising, you better hope they weren’t a germaphobe or you might end up in hospital. You hate having to sign in with your phone before entering a pub. You kind of feel bad for not taking this seriously as you could be but at the same time you are young, you are sexy and you just want to live your life.  

Sex Toy: You never planned on isolating or being alone. You get pleasure around others, its just the way you are. You are a couple’s ring.

sex toy

8. The Conspiracy Theorist

You aren’t convinced of this whole COVID thing. I mean there aren’t a whole lot of answers but your favourite podcaster has some very interesting questions.

Sex Toy: You’re a butt plug. There are no two ways about it. There are more of you out there than society thinks.

sex toy

Of course for some reason you don’t see yourself personified in any of these sex toys, you can do some soul searching here. Report back to me, please.

Image: Supplied.