Sexually active people of the internet, welcome.
Today I’d like to discuss with you a situation we’ve all found ourselves in: How, in god’s name, can you keep yourself entertained during that 30-60 second window while you’re waiting for your partner to bring you a towel?
Yes, as a fellow semen demon, I’ve spent many hours (glass of SSB in-hand, of course) pondering what I should do in that brief time-span where that spunk’s crustily drying on whatever bodily surface it may have landed on.
UGH, there’s just, like, SO. MANY. OPTIONS. AMIRIOGHT????
Here’s but a few things that you can do to pass time, but at the end of the day, just let your imagination run wild! The world is your oyster! Eat, pray, love! Julia Roberts! Pretty Woman! Closing jewellery boxes on Julia Roberts’ fingers! Realising Richard Gere‘s a dick for closing jewellery boxes on Julia Roberts’ fingers! LIFE!!!!!!!! LIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enjoy yourselves, you cum-splattered angels.
FEED YOUR TAMAGOTCHI
Depending on how long you’ve been entangling limbs and sharing saliva with your lovah, your Tamagotchi could be on…
THE BRINK OF DEATH.
HURRY, YOU TWISTED FUCK. FEED IT. FEED YOUR FUCKING TAMAGOTCHI.
HOT TIP: To really spice things up in the bedroom (not to mention the peace of mind you’ll gain), place your Tamagotchi’s chain around the shaft of your partner’s rock ‘ard shlong. Honestly, tugging your man off has never been so stress-free.
CONTEMPLATE EXISTENCE
We’re so rarely afforded a few quiet seconds to really think about life.
Existing is, well, amazing. You’re alive and all that jazz. How great’s that? But there’s so many questions that need answering, and because we’re so busy, none of them are getting answered (like if u cried).
Use these free moments you’ve generously been given to help humanity solve life’s biggest mysteries, such as:
Who closes the bus door after the bus driver gets off?
Is sand called sand because it’s between the sea and land?
Is the S or the C silent in scent?
Why aren’t babies 9 months old when they’re born?
(RELEVANT:) Can you tell the truth if you lie in bed?
We, as a species, patiently await your answers.
TEXT YOUR MUM
Seeing as you’ve got semen somewhere in / on your body, it’s only natural to think about your mother. Many moons ago, she too once laid in the same position you’re currently laying in – either knowingly, or unknowingly, growing your ugly mug inside of her lady bits.
It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, you and your mother have never been as similar as you are right in this very second. So be a good kid, text your mum, and tell her you fucking love her.
GET ‘HAPPY’ BY PHARELL STUCK IN YOUR HEAD
YEAH, GOOD LUCK GETTING THIS MUDDAFUCKA OUTTA YOUR HEAD LEL.
THINK ABOUT POTATOES
Potatoes are life, potatoes are bae. Potatoes are also now (about fucking time) heavily circulated in the meme circuit. To get you thinking about ’em, here’s some drop-dead-gawjus pictures of potatoes:
I <3 potatoes.
When all is said ‘n done, our advice is to just do you, boo. Fill your time / orifices with whatever the bloody hell you want and keep chasing those orgasms.
Peace ‘n love.
Photo: The Muppets.
