How To Not Stick A Fork In Your Eye If Everyone Around You Is Getting Engaged


Forgive me if I’m wrong, but there’s something fucked up about Christmas that makes people drop to their knees – and not in the sexy sense. If you’re single, like me, it can be enough to ram a fork into your eye. You shouldn’t do this.

Why? Because being single is fun, apparently – it’s just something you forget when people look happy in a photo that, in reality, took a millisecond to capture. Of course these things are easier said than believed, so keep reading for tips on how to deal with this diamond-giving activity on ‘roids this time of year.

Mute the person

There’s nothing like 150+ likes on the “she said yes” post to make you feel like dog poo, (and anything less than that is a big LOL anyway). Rather than delete the person off Instagram, which honestly is completely unnecessary and will just show them that you’re pissed, just mute them for a while on the platform.

They’ll never know, and you’ll never have to see their wedding planning, which is ideal if they’re not a legitimate friend that you care about. If they are, be happy for them even if you wish you were in their position.

Try to score an invite to their wedding

People are gagging for it at weddings. Love is all around and it makes guests feel like that’s what they want too. So they hook up. It’s beautiful. It could even eventuate into a wedding of your own or, at the very least, an amazing story about the time you had sleazy wedding sex with the best man. It’s a common occurrence, from what I’ve heard.

Be really, really single

Whenever you see an #engaged post (lol creative), it’s important to remember that they’re probably only going to be riding one schlong, or playing with one vaginé, for the rest of their damn existence. You, on the other hand, can explore the genitals that are consensually offered to you.

Even if you’re not about that having-sex-all-the-time life, we live in the land of dating apps. Go on heaps of dates – you might not meet your future spouse but you’ll probably meet more people than you would cooped up at home with a bae.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself

Look, chances are that the people around you getting engaged are really happy – I’m not contesting that. But what makes them happy might not necessarily make you happy. It’s easy to look at an ex getting engaged, for example, and feel like they “won” or some shit.

Remember that they’re settling for a life you might consider mediocre. There’s a reason you broke up, right? If you didn’t, they’d probably be proposing to you – and you know damn-well you’d be fucking miserable if that happened.

Tell me I’m wrong.