No one in the history of, um, ever has been fond of a cheater and/or homewrecker.

To be fair, sometimes good people can have lapses in judgement, but most of the time they’re just disrespectful pieces of shit, you know? (My first boyfriend cheated on me – can you tell? Still bitter. It’s been a good decade.)

How To Tell If Someone’s Single Before You Accidentally Become A Homewrecker
Anyway, because I feel it’s my responsibility to make sure cheating is decreased by at least 20% by 2020, I have compiled a nifty little list on how you can avoid being a homewrecker at all costs – and maybe even nab yo’self a lil’ partner in the process – by finding out if someone is single before you sit on them and rotate.

LOOK FOR A RING

How To Tell If Someone’s Single Before You Accidentally Become A Homewrecker
If ya’ like it then suss if there’s a ring on it. Unfortunately though, there’s no special piece of jewellery for the lead up to engagement and marriage. There’s no necklace for “friends with benefits“, no adult-equivalent letterman jacket for “goin’ steady” and definitely no genital piercing for “I’m emotionally unavailable“. That’s why, good D and V hunters, this article will not end here.

WANDERING EYE

How To Tell If Someone’s Single Before You Accidentally Become A Homewrecker

People who are in relationships (given that they are not a serial cheater) live in some kind of alternate universe where they constantly think about their significant other.

Think along the lines of a T-Swift music video where a couple is skipping down the beach and whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears – that’s the kind of lovey-dovey mindset that overtakes a relationship-haver. That being said, it’s quite the opposite for someone who’s single and ready to, um, tingle. They’re literally on the lookout for compatible peen all the time, whether it’s in aisle 3 at the supermarket, at the dog park or across the bar.

HAVE A GOOD NEW-FASHIONED STALK

How To Tell If Someone’s Single Before You Accidentally Become A Homewrecker
Be attentive during your encounter and use that info to scope their socials. Being 2016 and all, you really don’t need that much info about ’em to use your FBI skills on their fine ass. Keep in mind that hottie with the botty in DP #2 could very well be their cousin.

(LIGHTLY) INTERROGATE THEM

How To Tell If Someone’s Single Before You Accidentally Become A Homewrecker
Get your PI on and lightly probe (verbally, you sick fucks) them about their lives. Listen for the w-bomb – fondly known by peen hunters as “we” – because if that baby comes out, you’re royally screwed. Not all relationship-havers get suckered into the slightly LA-ME “we” territory though, so I suggest constantly asking who they went with when they talk about a recent story. Eg. They’re telling you about how they went to that new cafe in Brunswick last week, to which you respond, “Oh cool, how was it? Who’d you go with?” Open that floodgate and let the info flow.

SEE IF THEY WANT A DRINK

How To Tell If Someone’s Single Before You Accidentally Become A Homewrecker

Let’s be clear for a second here: humans are really fucking horrible.

In a nice, decent and respectful world, if you asked someone if they would like a drink and they accepted, it would usually mean they’re available.

Let’s be clear for another second: I have accepted this gesture when I indeed had a good D waiting for me at home.

I was later told (by the head that owned the good D, mind you) how rude and misleading that was to the dude trying to pick up.

Lesson to be learned here? If they accept your offer, there’s a good chance that they’re single, but mayyyybbbeeee they’re poor AF and too shit of a human to say no. So, really, I guess we learned nothing here. Sorry ’bout that.

GO IN FOR THE KILL

How To Tell If Someone’s Single Before You Accidentally Become A Homewrecker
Go on, live a little, but without impregnating each other by accident. Try and hold their hand. If they resist, this means one of two things: a) They think you’re as fugly as a vascular scrotum or b) They’re spoken for.

ASK THEIR M8

How To Tell If Someone’s Single Before You Accidentally Become A Homewrecker
If you see them go to the bathroom or get a drink, quickly hit up whoever they’re with and ask. Trust me, the DUFF’s are used to it.

BITE THE BULLET

Still unsure? Well you can always, you know, be brazen and have a crack at FUCKING ASKING IF THEIR SINGLE. Save everyone a whole lot of time, effort and embarrassment, hey? If they’re taken, it’s their loss and all that.

Now back away, slowly.

How To Tell If Someone’s Single Before You Accidentally Become A Homewrecker

We’re rooting for ya’ to get some rooting, just not if it involves trespassing on someone else’s property.

How To Tell If Someone’s Single Before You Accidentally Become A Homewrecker