Are your co-workers secretly hooking up? Maybe you suspect they are and that’s why you clicked on this article. Maybe YOU’RE secretly fucking a co-worker and you don’t want anyone to know. Either way, friends, I’ve compiled a near-exhaustive list of all the tell-tale signs your colleagues are seeing each other’s bits on the regular.
First of all: who doesn’t love a good workplace romance? The flirting, the inside jokes, the extra pep in your step when you actually look forward to going to work… there’s a lot of good reasons to hook up with your coworker, and it’s not just because you’re bored as hell.
But what if it isn’t you experiencing the thrill of maybe boning in the break room? What if it’s your colleagues? We’ve all raised an eyebrow at two workmates having a few too many inside jokes, or sitting by themselves in the corner at drinks. I’ve never attended a staff party without at least two people making some suss eyes at each other in the corner, or just saying “fuck it” and making out in front of everyone. FYI, sneakily touching hands while in a group situation isn’t as sneaky as you think it is half cut.
1. They find excuses to work together
If two of your workmates are suddenly working every shift together, then I have news for you: they’re definitely fucking. I’m mainly talking about retail or hospitality work here – when rosters change every given week and there’s no reason on god’s green earth for the same two people to be working every open or every close together when everybody else wouldn’t know a stable work roster if it hit them in the face. If two people are always keen to “get more ice” for the bar, they’re probably using those trips to make eyes at each other (and hopefully not having a quickie up against the ice machine).
2. They have a billion inside jokes
A few inside jokes amongst workmates is normal. A heap of inside jokes between two colleagues specifically and no one else is a sure fire sign they’re getting naked and nasty when they rest of you aren’t around.
3. They hang out outside of work hours
Two people secretly fucking are probably not going to blast it on their social media. This is where you have to put all your Instagram stalking abilities to the test. Did Stephanie post a random photo from Bondi on Tuesday afternoon even though she doesn’t live there? And did Charlie also mention being in Bondi on Tuesday afternoon but didn’t give a reason why? GUESS WHAT, MY DUDES. They’re fucking. And they’re doing it behind your back. Rude, tbqh.
4. They arrive at work suspiciously close together
When I asked my colleagues for help with this yarn, one of them came back with this gold story: at a previous workplace, she and her boyfriend were dating for months without their colleagues knowing… or so she thought. He’d drop her off around the corner every morning, and they’d arrive at work separately. They thought they were being sneaky. They were dead wrong. It turns out everyone knew for months, and was just waiting for it to stop being an open secret and start being general knowledge. (In a wholesome twist, they’re still together.)
5. They leave work drinks within 10 minutes of each other
No one is buying it. No one.
6. They share Ubers / lifts home together despite living in opposite directions
Again, when I asked my colleagues for inspiration, like five different people gave me this example. It begs the question: how many of you are dumb enough to think this is working? One person is going to Cronulla, the other to Chatswood??? And you think this is passing for normal colleague behaviour?? It’s not. Sorry. (Also sorry for the very Sydney-centric examples here, but that’s where I live.)
7. When in doubt, ask your office admin
So this only applies to those of you in office jobs, but: your office manager hears all the gossip, knows every face, and sees who’s coming and going at all hours of the day. They KNOW what the fuck is up. And by up, I mean “hooking”. The PEDESTRIAN.TV office manager told me: “There is tea here to be drank.” It’s now my life mission to find out exactly what she knows.Image: NBC