Tired of dipping into the same lakes every time you crave a swim? Positively weary after all the times you’ve been called “One Pole Penny” at the luncheon? Simply swimming in DMs from sexy binches who you can only ever say hello to? Or maybe you just wanna try something new with your boo. The answer here might just be non-monogamy, let’s talk about it!
Now let’s get something clear before we get into the serious business: non-monogamy is not for everyone.
However it also isn’t some exclusive club with special rules. You and your partner can dabble in as much or as little non-monogamy whenever you like!
If you’re interested in opening up the floodgates and getting a little wet, here’s how to open up your monogamous relationship and see if being open is for you.
And yes, I am writing as someone who started their relationship monogamously and moved to non-monogamy. But hey if my words aren’t enough to help educate you, I’ve also spoken to a relationship expert.
1. Have the conversation
Nothing will come about if you don’t talk about it. The last thing I want you to become is one of those people who flirt with others online and then say “oh I’m not open but we’re talking about it.” Are you? Are you really Matt?
You might want to talk about how hot the idea of threeways are with your partner or maybe express the idea of openness being something exciting to try.
“Bring non-monogamy up as an option you’d like considered,” said Hello Tiger Relationship Expert Megan Luscombe.
“For some that might be intimidating. Feel the fear and do it anyway! This can sound like: ‘I’ve been reading a lot of interesting articles about non-monogamy and would love to chat with you about it’”.
2. Decide what non-monogamy looks like for you
The best part about non-monogamy is that every couple does it differently.
Some people like to strictly play with their partner present, some say it’s fine to kiss other people but nothing more and others branch into polyamory. Do what feels comfortable for you and your partner! Do not do whatever suits you without talking about it first.
Establish the rules and remember if you ever want to change them you can by just talking about them. It’s all about having fun and feeling comfortable.
You can always close the relationship back up if it all becomes a bit much to deal with.
“Different people have different expectations on what non-monogamy looks like, which is why it’s crucial you’re both on the same page from the beginning,” said Luscombe.
3. Agree on boundaries
A very similar step to the last one, but just a touch different.
It’s important when you’re opening up that you talk about what you like and do not like.
Maybe you don’t want your partner to sleep with someone else, just have sex with them.
Maybe you don’t want them to go on dates with other people because to you that resembles building an emotional connection, which is polyamory-adjacent.
Perhaps you want your partner to tell you about all of their sexual escapades and perhaps you want to hear not a word about their exploits outside of you. Whatever you desire, you can have. Boundaries are beautiful!
There’s nothing wrong with being the couple who strictly plays together and stays together. In fact, it’s kinda hot!
“This creates safety and security for your primary relationship and allows confidence in each other while practising non-monogamy,” said Luscombe.
4. Engage with other people who are open
One of the best parts about being open is that you come across others who are open and learn about how their relationship functions differently from yours.
And hey if you’re open and they are too, it becomes a lot easier to swap goods if you catch my drift. Think of it as establishing trade routes!
Following creators on social media who are open is also a positive way to learn about experiences that differ from yours. Moving from monogamy to non-monogamy can be nerve-wracking at first, especially if you’ve never spoken about it with your partner before.
The internet is a beautiful place, surround yourself with people who will make you feel comfortable in having these conversations with your partner.
“Non-monogamy isn’t society’s go-to relationship standard, so it’s important you start engaging with those who participate in it. This will help you become more comfortable talking about it and embracing the new relationship style,” said Luscombe.
5. Navigate feelings of jealousy and insecurity
This one is probably the biggest concern for people moving from monogamy to non-monogamy.
Thing is, feelings of jealousy and insecurity are very normal and will appear when you least expect them to. Your partner is smooching someone else! You’re bound to feel odd about it, especially when you’re having a rough day.
The important part is communicating with your partner when you feel this way. If they’re respectful and loving they’ll listen to you and comfort you through those moments.
Non-monogamy isn’t supposed to feel uncomfortable and if it keeps feeling that way, maybe it isn’t for you.
“Non-monogamy can truly thrive and be successful if the couple navigates it with transparency,” said Luscombe.
“Sometimes this requires the help of a third party who specialises in relationships (coach/therapist etc) to ensure when certain feelings arise, they can be handled and worked through effectively.”
6. Have fun!
Most of all, non-monogamy can be heaps of fun for you and your partner! It’s very cute talking about your hookups with the person you love the most, especially when they’re actively excited for you.
If non-monogamy is something that definitely intrigues you but your partner isn’t down, you need to either respect that or find someone who will meet your relationship needs.
But most of all, have a blast out there and see what works for you! Take it away, Megan.
“Society deems monogamy the default option for couples, and it shouldn’t be,” said Luscombe.
“Our relationship preference should always be one we talk about, consider, and consciously choose. It should also be something we are able to talk about changing or experimenting with while in long term relationships.
“Non-monogamy isn’t about people having affairs, or cheating,” she continued.
“It’s about two people creating a relationship structure that suits them and them only. This might mean they have more than one person for sexual experiences, but their primary partner is who they turn to for all emotional intimacy.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
