Walls are thin, you guys.
No one wants to hear someone they live with having sex.
A lot of the time, they’re the first person you see in the morning and the last you see before going to bed. You know if they chew with their mouth open, exactly how disgusting they are mid-hangover and whether or not they piss like a horse. That in itself is enough. Ya don’t want to add whether or not they scream like a lil’ piggy getting its tail pulled to that list.
Sometimes, unfortunately, you’re not given a choice.
I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum – have had to painfully, and without warning, listen to my next room neighbour doing the wild thing, and I’ve also done the deed while my roommates were home. We’re not asking you to selflessly go on a path of abstinence for the sake of your roommates, but JFC there are certain levels of decency one should maintain.
Behold, tips for a human living in a share house, broken down into the ones having sex and the ones having to hear the obscenities:
IF YOU’RE THE ONE HAVING SEX
KEEP IT THE FUCK DOWN
We get it – you’re feeling stimulated and pretty proud of yourself for scoring some D or V. If you wanna let the one that’s giving it to ya know that you’re enjoying their efforts – that’s fine – just there’s no need to let your entire share house know in the process, OK?
You can, y’know, bite them on the bod somewhere or even into your pillow for a muffled sound effect, or whip out the ball-gag if that’s more your cup of tea. If you don’t, you risk your roommate buying you one for Christmas in what will be a not-so-funny personal joke prezzie.
INVEST IN A DECENT BED
If your bed is squeaking and creaking on overdrive your roomies will know that your either taking yourself to town or having someone else do the job for you – both of which are not really OK, even if you’re keeping the human noise down. If you’re too broke for a new setup or just CBF, apparently sex doesn’t need to be had in a bed – it can be done standing up or on the floor too, remember? If you live in an inner-city cesspit and your floor too is creaky AF, then you’re fucked, but not in the way you want. Keep reading for your next alternative.
MAKE BACKGROUND NOISE
If you’re lucky enough to get your penetration on outside of regular human sleeping hours, you can be tactical about the whole thing. Netflix and Chill is a thing for a reason, y’know. Pop a movie, show or some music on so that, hopefully, that noise overrides you doing the deed. There’s nuthin’ wrong with planning ahead.
KEEP IT IN THE BEDROOM
Fo’ the love of god, communal areas are NEVER OK to have sex in. Keep it in your own bedroom, or, at the very least, the shower. There’s nothing worse than coming home to your roommate balls deep in another.
CAN’T. UNSEE. Even if you know your roomies are away all weekend, nothing says “I love living with you” like a fresh/crusty cum stain on the couch upon their arrival.
IF YOUR ROOMIE’S THE ONE HAVING SEX
HAVE HEADPHONES NEXT TO YOUR BED
Sometimes you’ll wake to the sound of filthy wall banging / moans found only in fucked-up porn at 2 AM ’cause your roomie is a shit human who can’t follow basic housemate shagging etiquette. Headphones next to your bed will be your saviour. Pop em in, put it on full-boll and it’ll be like no one’s getting pumped in the room next door.
LEARN HOW TO CONTROL YOUR BLADDER
When most people wake up, the first thing they do is need to take a leak. Not if it’s the middle of the night and your roommate sounds like they’re havin’ a religious experience – no siree. You have to hold that shit in. If you walk down the creaky floorboards of the hallway and to the bathroom where you’ll flush and wake the house, they’ll know you heard the whole bloody thing and there’ll be serious awkwardness the next morning. Then we’ll see who’s really the fucked one, eh.
THINK UNSEXY THOUGHTS
You’re hearing ya roommate going at it and consequently it’s like you’ve shared an intimate experience with them. Whether you like it or not, your mind may wander to what exactly’s going on over there. That includes them naked, in an unsavory position and making faces like a lemon-sucking baby. TRY AND THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE. If you left your headphones at work and your pillow is smushed so deep into your ear it’s touching your cochlea but still not muffling the noise, you’re going to have to think about something unsexy. Potatoes, maybe.
HAVE THE DISCUSSION
Sometimes we get a bit fuck-eyed and forget to respect our roommates. It’s all g. It happens. Acknowledge what happened and move on.
At the end of the day you got it in and that’s something to celebrate. We’re human, and humans love a bit of cum in and around their bits. Just fucking own it, and remember what other than a peen you can implement next time ’round.
Now go forth and smang quietly, proudly and, above all, respectfully.
Photo: Universal Studios.