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It’s Valentine’s Day. I’m single. Does that mean I should miss out on the fun? Not this year. This year I want to make sure I see more action than my friends in relationships. Someone tell my vagina I “choo, choo, choose it” this Valentines day, because I’m going to see how many times I can cum in one day.

To do this as a proper investigative journalist, I kept a wank diary. I hope my nan doesn’t see this – this article belongs in the Pedestrian sealed section. 

12:20 am

I’ve just finished watching Step Brothers, rounding out the saddest Saturday night a chick in her mid-20s could possibly live out. I have a belly full of Guzman Y Gomez, but I’m ready to give this my best shot. I pull down my ‘eating’ sweatpants with great optimism and quiet enthusiasm. I haven’t mastied in two days to prepare. Usually I’m a once a day girl. Average, I think.

I’m quite horny (as I’m oddly attracted to John C. Reilly) so some general run of the mill “My girlfriend rides me..” amateur porn did the trick easily.

Orgasm satisfaction: 4/5.

Mode: My hand…  😉

Count: 1 

12:39 am

I wouldn’t usually go again this quickly, but these are special circumstances. I use my vibrator (very basic, four vibration settings). Was pleasant and quick. I planned on doing three before I went to sleep, but if I did I feel like I would have spoiled myself for the morning. For porn, I just used what Pornhub recommended from the last video. I think it was NoFaceGirl or a knock off.

Orgasm satisfaction: 3/5.

Mode: Vibrator

Count: 2

7:12 am 

I wake up to a text in the group chat from my friend Rachael, something along the lines of “how about this rain”. While I’m pissed it’s not a spicier text at this hour on a Sunday morning, I take the early wake up call as an opportunity to start. I’ve gone straight for the vibrator.

For porn, I select a Brazzers type – over produced yet well lit. I know they are dumb but I think I wanted a story line to entertain me. It worked. 

Orgasm satisfaction: 4/5.

Mode: Vibrator

Count: 3

8:53 am

I go back to sleep involuntarily after my 7:12am session. My housemates are now up and cooking breakfast in the kitchen and sitting in the living room. My bedroom is in between these places, and you can hear a pin drop in this house.

My phone is out of charge, and I’ve left my charger out in the living room. But I’m too tired and naked to go and collect it. This means I will have to watch porn on my laptop, which I don’t have earphones for. 

Porn to me is useless without audio, so I use one volume bar. I kind of need to pee, which makes it harder to cum too.

I go for the vibrator again, but clit says “no”. I respect her wishes. It was going to be painful if I proceeded. 

Took longer than usual to finish, I felt like I was forcing it to be honest. Went up to two volume bars when I was feeling brave but went back down to one after hearing some nearby footsteps. A compilation video helped me get there in the end. I’m too embarrassed to say what the compilation was. 

Orgasm satisfaction: 2/5.

Mode: My hand

Count: 4

I’m tired for sure but feeling good about the fact that I’ve come 4 times before 9am.  I do some research to find brave others who have fought this battle too . I type the question into Google “How many times can a woman orgasm in one day” and according to Times Of India, it can be 20 in a row. Thats a row, not a day. Now I’m feeling like an amateur myself. 

I continue to read a few more actual health sites and find this piece of advice for orgasming more:

Go ahead and have that first orgasm, but instead of basking in the afterglow for too long, prepare for another.

I’m definitely guilty of this. Afterglow is the best part, but like they say on MAFS “This is an experiment”.  

9:40am

My housemate is using the vacuum cleaner. I’m torn between going outside to help clean or using this opportunity to watch porn without the fear of being heard. I choose the latter.

I know I don’t have much time so I’ve gone for a video I know has worked for me in the past. I’m too embarrassed to give you the gist of this one too. This was the quickest I came, but it definitely didn’t feel natural. I might need a break if i’m going to try and at least enjoy any session from here on out. 

A guy I went on a date with a few days ago texts me some words of encouragement: 

How sweet.

Orgasm satisfaction: 2/5.

Mode: My hand

Count: 5

11:54am

I thought about going to the gym in between sessions to build some stamina up. Some of my dude friends say the gym makes them horny, but I can safely say I’ve never gotten wet from running on a treadmill, which today was legitimate enough reason for me to not go to the gym.

I have finally peed, and had a glass of water. I still haven’t spoken to anyone yet. 

I’m ready to give this multiple times in a row thing ago. I talked a big game to my friends, but it’s midday and I’ve only come five times. Time to step it up.

I’ve been into 3D animated porn for a while, particularly ‘Fortnite’ porn. I don’t play the game, but Fortnite porn is great – the characters are hot and the sound effects are Oscar worthy. If I had one complaint, it loops a lot, fair, heaps of work goes into animation.

After my first orgasm, I ensure I don’t bask in the satisfaction for too long, I already am back, working on a different angle of my… pleasure centre. 

I come again and in *very* quick time. I am shooketh and try for a third. Success, a third happened too. However the third time, the orgasm wasn’t enjoyable, I felt the dopamine hit my brain, but I didn’t feel sexy, exactly. When Death Grips rapped “Have a sad cum BB” they were talking about that third time. I’m impressed with my ability to masturbate with one hand while browsing Pornhub intensely looking for worthy of thrice cumming videos. 

Orgasm satisfaction: 4,2,0/5 respectively.

Mode: My hand

Count: 8

12:20pm

Going for three more. Long story short, successful, not proud. I ended up on some questionable Russian porn filmed in a tiny house in a field. I command-Q’d harder than I came. Not sure if I want my name on this article anymore.

Orgasm satisfaction: 1/5 at best.

Mode: My hand

Count: 11

1:00pm

My roommates began to suspect something was up so I’ve made an appearance in the house communal areas, made small talk about the rain, eaten and taken a much needed shower.

After being asked what I’m doing in there I said “TAFE online”. 

I really miss enjoying cumming. I’m getting back to that. I’m back on my iPhone with headphones now thankfully. I put on a classy threesome because I’m all class from here on out. I work up to it slowly. 

Orgasm satisfaction: 3.5/5.

Mode: My hand

Count: 12

2:19pm

I’ve been doing some research. It might be better to just show you. 

Wow. Guinness World of Records, Most Orgasms In An Hour:  134 orgasms over the course of an hour.

These surely must be weak orgasms… that’s over two a minute.  It’s time to whip out the freaky porn. It works and works well indeed. I come twice easily, and they have been the best ones in a while, maybe even all day. 

Orgasm satisfaction: 4/5.

Mode: My hand

Count: 14

2:59pm

I go back for the vibrator, but it was painful. It turned me off wanking for an hour. 

Orgasm satisfaction: 0/5.

Mode: Vibrator

Count: 14

4:17pm

I’m starting to panic again. It’s almost 4:20 (yiew) and I’ve come 14 times. Yesterday I would have thought that was a lot, but the internet is keeping me humble. I’m watching a woman seriously dominate a man. It does the job really well. I’d like to say “surprisingly” but I really like watching this chick. Her name is Velvet Veronica and I’m a fan lol. 

I come twice because I’m getting really good at that today. The second time was better than the first this time. 

Orgasm satisfaction: 3.5/5.

Mode: My hand

Count: 16. 

5ish-pm

Gosh this has been a lazy day. I’ve been listening to Wisecrack podcasts in between sessions. The rain is fucking insane. 

I call my aunty, she was a psychiatric nurse back in the day, and told me the protocol used to deal with chronic masturbators in the psych hospital in the early 90s was to cover them with the “wank blanket” (medical terminology). She suggests I use one if I’m to rub one out while watching MAFS with my housemates on the couch later on. She might still have one in a cupboard somewhere if I need.

I watch a ‘fury’ porn video in its entirety, I enjoyed watching it but it didn’t make me horny, and I didn’t want to awaken anything by forcing myself to wank to it.

I click on the ‘Funny’ section and found a video of a woman stepping on and killing crickets, then:

cum

It was literally that. 

I also got intrigued by “Safe For Work Porn”. I fear anyone who would browse this section unironically.

But I had to get back to business. I came to another compilation because I had little patience for anything else and I began to fear this experiment is nearing its end. 

Orgasm satisfaction: 2/5.

Mode: My hand

Count: 18

7ish-pm 

Although I work at Pedestrian, when I type P into my browser, it now suggests Pornhub first. I’m back to that sad cum stage. I decided to come another three times, knowing my body is capable of it.

I impress myself but coming that third time but it was so not enjoyable. However, my count is 21 and pretty proud and will buy myself a gold star sticker from Dollar King on the way to work tomorrow. 

Orgasm satisfaction: 2/5.

Mode: My hand

Count: 21

10:13pm

MAFS was great, and the rain stopped just long enough for me to drive to the store and buy Pods and a Coke no sugar. I’ve brushed my teeth. I’m not horny for sex but I am horny for a relationship. I’m able to come another three times with massive satisfaction . I think of a past flame (assisted with porn of course, it’s not the 1800s).

Orgasm satisfaction: 3.5/5.

Mode: My hand

Count: 24

11:54pm

I fall asleep but wake up all of a sudden, and it would be a SHAME to not make the most of it. I make it a neat 25 with a simple ‘handjob under the dinner table’ video. 

Orgasm satisfaction: 3/5.

Mode: My hand

Count: 25

I’m a shell of a human. My clitoris has PTSD. As my aunty put it Ive “caused a head injury to the little man in the boat” or, “a little skin off the leather” if you will. I don’t even muster up the energy to write this on Sunday. If mastie day was Christmas, it’s Boxing Day now, and my box hurts.

cum

What I can only imagine I looked like watching MAFS with my roommates

Have I learned anything?

Well I’ve learned I can come almost 30 times in a day, I’ve truly learned what a sad cum feels like, Ive learned that someone got off to Kermit fucking a chicken sandwich.

But I have also learned, after the worlds most lonely day, that cumming thirty times is just not what Valentine’s Day is all about. By all means, have some solo time – just enjoy it. Also, a cheesy Valentine’s card from someone I loved in my letterbox would have sufficed. And made me wetterbox, lol.

I’d like to finish with a poem.

Roses are red 

Violets are blue 

I can make myself come on cue.