A Definitive Guide To People Who Are Simply “Hot In Context”

We’ve all been there – a full blown, all-consuming crush on someone that’s based entirely around the set of circumstances in which they exist. Then, if we ever get the chance to finally hook up with them for real… the rose-coloured glasses are off and Bam! They go from a 9/10 to a soft 3. We’ve given it a name – “hot in context”.

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Hot In Context is basically when someone is insanely attractive, only to become entirely less so (if at all) once you remove them from the situational context they exist in. Let me be clear – this isn’t about physical looks. It’s about someone’s overall attractiveness to you – something about them appeals to you romantically, a je ne sais quoi if you will. And sometimes, you can think you’re attracted to someone… but you could be wrong.

Especially if they fit into one of the categories below.

1. DJs

If you think a DJ is hot I can safely tell you they absolutely are not. I’m sorry but it’s true. The act of controlling the music in the club is the only reason you think their face should be licked. This goes from everyone from That Guy who does Wednesday nights at your local to international stars. This is mainly bc they are almost always total douchelords, which becomes infinitely more apparent in the light of day.

2. Reality TV Stars Right After Their Show Season Wraps

Remember when we all frothed Apollo like fucking maniacs? And then we just forgot about him? Do you even know who I’m talking about? EXACTLY.

3. People In A Wedding Party

Being a bridesmaid, groomsman, best man or maid-of-honour = instant hotness and appeal. Ditto to wedding MCs. Hell, even the random mates your loved-up friends selected to be ushers at the ceremony get a certain je ne sais qois as soon as they start forcing little old ladies into pews. Do not be deceived, these people are only hot to you because you are blinded by the love atmosphere. IT’S LYING TO YOU, ABORT.

4. Teachers

My boyfriend, who is a teacher, will kill me for this but I’m SORRY to any teachers out there but the reason your students are losing their fucking minds over you is not because you’re the Brisbane equivalent of Zac Efron or Ariana Grande, it’s because you’re an adult who is being secretive about your personal life and also you’re in a position of power. I wish those gross teachers who hook up with students would bloody realise this. Actually I’m not even sorry to any of you who AREN’T gross teachers, I imagine it’s quite terrifying having 100 15-year-olds have illegal crushes on you when you wish they’d just stop moonily staring and do their GODDAMN WORK.

5. Also, Substitute Teachers

Remember when you were in school and your crusty old maths teacher was “sick” (read: got on the turps a bit too much on Sun arvo) and you got a shiny new fancy substitute teacher? They were usually in their 20s, and that fact coupled with the fact they were new and also your teacher made them prime crushable material.

6. Extremely Also, P.E. Teachers

Fucking hell who DIDN’T have a crush on their P.E. teacher in school? What made enforcing the Beep Test so goddamn attractive? It makes no sense, I hate exercise.

7. Bartenders

This one’s c/o my friend Jake – if you haven’t hung around the club until 3am hoping that guy/girl behind the bar would magically have picked up on your “I wanna bone you” mental signals, you are lying.

8. Baristas

On the street – whatever. While expertly making your skinny-2-shot-latte-add-some-foam? Fucking sexual.

9. Someone Carrying A Guitar

It’s just a fact. In a case, on a stage, just walking around an office carrying one. Doesn’t matter – the humble guitar adds 5 hotness points to even the most heinous personality.

10. All Emergency Services (Not Cops)

Firefighter? Oh baby. Paramedic? Heal me daddy. Cop? No fuck off.

11. The Last Person In The Club

When you’re on the d-floor and it’s 4am, and as my colleague Lucinda pointed out “you’re choosing between them and Macdonalds”.

12. People With Foreign Accents In Your Home Country

An American talking all Americany in Sydney? Exotic and sexy. An American in LA talking all Americany? Get away from me you boring no-one person.

13. People In Bands

It does not matter how fucking shithouse the band is, but when someone’s standing on a stage commanding the attention of the room, they are just a babe. It’s science. See: all the absolutely awful people I dated 2015-2018.

14. Literally Anyone When You Went To Camp

School camp, summer camp, even an adult conference that’s basically a camp with more actual learning. Whatever it was – all of a sudden guys/girls you wouldn’t have looked twice at became your future Life Partner. Then you’d go back to school and forget about them in 0.2 seconds. Or the workplace.

15. Office Co-Workers

Put it down to the thrill of the secret hook-up, but half the time that office co-worker you crush on is NOT HOT. Then again, many of us end up with colleagues so… look this is a 50/50.

16. Bus Stop Guy

Or girl. That person who catches the bus/train at the same time as you and seems mysterious and sexy is only sexy because they seem mysterious. In actuality they’re a total asshole who yells at waiters and cute dogs.