Unless you like walking around wearing a rainbow flag as a cape and blowing glitter in people’s faces as you pass them, letting people know you’re gay and open for business is no picnic, especially if you’re femme.
With your skirts, heels, popping lipstick, dangling earrings, fresh shellac, or all of the above, queer invisibility looms above your iron-curled hair. Two pieces of good news for you today: one, you are not alone, and two, there are a few things you can do to get on the ladies’ gaydar and get yourself some P, so listen up.
Online dating
The easiest, most straightforward way to get your fabulously feminine self out there is to give in to online dating.
Bitch, don’t roll your eyes. It’s a pain, but in many cases, it works. Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, LGBTQ+ dating app Taimi or the lesbian specific Her – we are spoilt for choice, and there is something out there for everyone.
On your profile, make sure you convey in some way that you are indeed here to meet women, and not to find a third for you and your boyfriend (sigh).
It’s a daily penance of online dating for lesbians: coupled-up straight girls looking for a threesome are statistically one in five femme profiles you come across (empirical data sampled, corroborated, and verified by yours truly, and not at all authorised by the Australian Government, Canberra).
So, as a femme lesbian, you need to make it clear you’re not one of them. You can either be the to-the-point efficiency sass-pot by writing something in the likes of “Girls only, no threesomes, fuck off”, or be a little more diplomatic by stating you are looking for women only.
You can also go the more cryptic route by simply adding a taco emoji, or the cute one with the two girls holding hands (aww).
Once you’ve completed your online profile with the best pics on your camera roll and a
quirky bio, it’s time to hit the road and go hunting in the real world.
Hunting in the real world (once it’s open)
Let’s face it, the world is mostly straight (and closed up at the moment).
On the street, in bars, at work, and even at the shops, your femme camouflage is so good, you legit can’t be seen by fellow sapphics. There might be the odd occasions when you get the vibe (you know, the vibe) from a woman in a seemingly straight place, and boy, don’t we all adore those, but they are as rare as RuPaul’s forehead wrinkles.
So if the fish doesn’t come to you, make sure you fish where the fish is. Don’t frown. Hunting and fishing are the same thing, okay?
Gay bars and pubs, queer festivals and night outs; start your engine, amiga. Even if we tend to be staggeringly outnumbered by the gay boys (we heart you!), the women in gay events are much more likely to be batting for your team, or at least be open to it. Bonus, they will assume the same of you in return.
If you feel like you should walk the extra mile on the road to top-notch femme lesbian
advertising, consider these two mum quotes: it’s about who you know, and the devil is in the detail.
It’s about who you know!
Who do you know?
Your sidekicks can be a clear indication of who you are yourself. If you are seen out and about with an eclectic crew including mascs, butches, studs, {insert any lesbian term here}, your group will stand out like a walking les-board, and by association, so will you (tadaaa!).
If you prefer hanging out with the gay boys, they make excellent wingmen too, and the plus side is that these queens aren’t hungry for your snacks. Kill two flamingos with one stone.
The devil is in the detail!
The devil is in the detail. What devil? Why, your hidden butch twin, of course!
You’re feminine, we get it gorge, but do you have an accessory or an item of clothing that’s a little bit more on the cliché side that you can wear on your fishing trips?
To follow on a popular TikTok trend: how do you tell them you’re gay without telling them you’re gay?
A thick watch, a flannel shirt, laced leather boots, a nose ring, a graphic t-shirt (I have one that says Girls, Girls, Girls) or God forbid, a good pair of Birkenstocks, every femme has at least a few things in her wardrobe that can give her away if worn at the right time, in the right place.
Be bold!
Last but definitely not least, keep in mind that fortune favours the bold.
The one and only surefire way to get yourself out there is by doing exactly that. Get. Yourself. Out. There. Make eye contact, give her a smile, and if you get ~the vibe~ go chat her up. The worst thing that can happen is she kindly rejects you, in which case you just carry on your day and get back on the prowl.
She will be flattered, and you can be proud. Remember that every winner started by playing the game.
Now off you go, girl. Seriously, rapidly, get on the queers.
Sophie is a Belgian-Australian epicurean who loves books, swimming, travels and overpriced banquets. She can’t whistle, snap her fingers or roll her tongue, but she’s good at eating fermented grapes and braiding her own hair. You can find her online here.
