PEDESTRIAN.TV has teamed up with Tinder to get y'all connected.

Considering Tinder is currently being used by a tonne of love enthusiasts, it’s safe to say there’s someone out there who you can at least tolerate. Best case scenario, you find someone to spend the rest of your life passive-aggressively commenting on their poor hygiene. To get to this stage though, you have to avoid being an absolute flog. Luckily, we’ve constructed a (somewhat) flexible guide on how to impale yourself on cupid’s throbbing arrow – the modern way.

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Location, Location, Location

You poor soul, you thought you could just start swiping left or right? Before you even think about sliding that finger, location settings are a must. Picture this: you find the love of your life, mentally prepare for a messy divorce with an ensuing custody battle in 12 years time, only to discover they live in the middle of fucking nowhere. Not only is that an inconvenient commute, people who live in the middle of fucking nowhere are not to be trusted, so to dodge a literal bullet keep your radius to a 20km maximum.

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Photos

Now look, in an ideal world, everyone would be able to see past first impressions and trust you’re just a genuine person with a lot of love to give. In reality, this is 2018 and everyone’s judgemental as fuck. To avoid being cast aside at first glance, there’s a coupla do’s and don’ts to abide by.

  • DO include photos of you smiling. A nice smile, not a weird smile.
  • DON’T exclusively show group photos. Strangers want to know who you are and can’t be fucked having to Sherlock Holmes your profile to find out.
  • DO choose snaps that best describe yourself. There’s no point painting yourself as an outdoorsy hiker if you prefer to get shitfaced at day drinks. Your potential partner will force your hungover ass to go hiking at 6am and there will be vomit. Honesty is key.
  • DON’T post pictures of inanimate objects instead of your face. Nobody cares about your fucking souped-up Holden. Nobody.

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Standards

It may be tempting to start swiping yes to anything with a pulse, but there are ramifications. Mainly, you’ll end up with an extensive list of matches who you have utterly no interest in communicating with. Plus, it loses the magic. Wouldn’t you rather get really excited about a match that actually has potential than simply matching with your cousin for an ego boost? (On a side note, don’t match with your cousin. That’s gross).

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Timing

There’s a sweet spot when it comes to messaging your crush-of-the-day. If you leave it too long after matching, the recipient will safely assume you’re too busy chatting up some other fine young (or old) thang. If you’re really keen (but not too keen obviously, keep it cool), put your feelers out there sooner rather than later. While we’re at it, keep your pointless small talk to a minimum, people lose interest if you’re constantly detailing the mundane movements of your day.

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Revenge 

If you’re on Tinder to get back at a certain ex, take a step back. It’s not fair on yourself, your ex or other Tinder users if you have zero interest in dating or having a genuine conversation. If you really must hurt your ex, the tried and tested ‘call-them-by-their-wrong-name-when-you-bump-into-them’ routine works a treat.

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Persistence

Perhaps most importantly, keep persevering. A string of bad dates may initially deter you, but people do find love on Tinder. My pal has two kids to prove it. (Yes Judge Judy, to the same man. Not that it matters.)

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If ya still need some dating pointers, have a listen to our new podcast below:

LISTEN NOW – PEDESTRIAN PODCAST NETWORKWaiting for a D8: The First Date
Image: Joel McHale