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As a straight female, I know what I hate seeing on a dude’s dating app profile (fedoras, mirror selfies and lip biting, to name a few) – but rarely do I stop to think about whether my own profile is drying people up faster than a Dyson Airblade. I also don’t have other profiles of the sisterhood to compare my own to, given that I’ve narrowed my search down to males only.

But with a new dating app called Helium allowing you to tag other users as “cringe”, it got me thinking about whether I do anything that would slap me into that category. Frankly, I’m terrified, so I asked my colleague Jack what irks him about girls’ profiles. Jack, please, take it away.

Talking About Loving Dogs

You Might Wanna Update Your Dating Profile After Reading This Savage List Of No-NosJack: Alright, so this one might sound a bit weird to you at first.

“Jack, what do you mean? How can you not immediately be attracted to someone who loves dogs?” Well, reader, it’s not that I’m not attracted to the idea of someone who loves dogs, I’m just SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT.

We get it, you love dogs. So does everyone else in their right mind. Loving dogs is not a personality trait, unless you’re a vet. Are you a vet? No? Then please for the love of god find something else to say. There’s only so many conversations I can start with chatting about dogs before I completely lose faith in where they’re going.

Also, my dog died recently, so fuck you.

Chantelle: My dog also died and it hurts me deeply to talk about dogs, let alone bring them up. It also pisses me off when dudes bring up loving dogs as if it’s a unique personality characteristic, so we’re on the same page here.

Too Many Group Photos

You Might Wanna Update Your Dating Profile After Reading This Savage List Of No-NosJack: Pretty self-explanatory. I get it, you have lots of friends, but you know what else I get? You don’t have any photos of yourself that aren’t in groups of eleven, or you’re not confident enough to post them.

That might sound harsh, but confidence is sexy and so is bothering to get better photos. Plus, even if I have figured out which of these people you are, which probably took me a lot of sleuthing in the first place, I’m still having to consistently adjust my eyes to figure you out.


Chantelle: Who even has that many friends and opportunities for group photos? Besides, all my hot friends simply make me look a bit fugs in comparison. Appears I am safe here.

Too Many Selfies

You Might Wanna Update Your Dating Profile After Reading This Savage List Of No-NosJack: Well, well, well, the opposite of a group photo. I know this contradicts my earlier point but hear me out.

The selfie can be well executed, or it can also be horribly awkward and sad. The reason I say that, is because if I see you, whoever you are, with seven photos of yourself, all of which you look absolutely great in, I’m not going to be able to look past the fact that you took these and no one else is in them.

I’d prefer a club photo over too many of these, honestly, and that’s saying something. Too many selfies tells me that you’re either trying way too hard or you don’t get out often enough to have anyone else taking flicks of you.

Sorry, this one hits me in the overthinking part of my brain, but I’m being honest here.

Chantelle: I have one selfie, and three photos of just me that I’ve asked others to take. To be fair, I think the latter is far sadder than taking the photos myself but alas, I am again safe.

Unnecessary Filters

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Now this is a mutli-faceted issue for me, and the reason I say that can be broken down in my mind like so:

    1. You’re using this filter because you think it’s quirky, but really it’s THE SAME dog face that everybody else has and posts ALL THE TIME.
    2. You’ve used a filter to make yourself look different, and that just ain’t on. I’ve come across profiles where people are doing this to all their photos. See my comment about confidence being sexy for why this erks me.
    3. I DO NOT CARE WHICH POKÉMON YOU ARE. I absolutely adore Pokémon, but this is boring as fuck.
    4. All of the above.

Forreal, we don’t need to bring filters in here. These platforms are meant to be places for us to be honest and original. While I’d be lying if I said that some filters have made me chuckle, this is real rare and it detracts from you just being you.

Chantelle: Alright fuck, I have one photo that has a standard Instagram filter on it (the star one that automatically airbrushes you). I was having a shit skin day but a fire hair and outfit day, so sue me.

Linking Your Instagram

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“Don’t talk much on here, follow me on Insta @lookingforfollowers420”

Legit, fuck this. People doing this is just suckering people into following them. This is how influencers are made, people, and nobody wants that.

Forreal, this is so vain and lame and just isn’t what these apps are about in my mind. Not only is it pretty rude (like why are you so important that you can’t be bothered to keep up to date with these apps?), but it’s a major turn off. If you’re linking your IG, and not just having it at the base of your profile so people can suss more of your photos, then that tells me that you suck and you’re not worth my time.


Chantelle: I mean, I’ve linked my Instagram to my profile so they can scope out more photos, but I’m not out there flogging my handle or anything.

But like, while we’re on the topic, follow me @chantelle_schmidt.