The dating-app profile is one of the last untouched art forms of our time.
Being our sauciest and thottiest online is one of the final ways we are truly able to express ourselves. There’s a particular formula that contributes to the success of a profile – a combo that only a few of us can truly nail.
Anyway, a while ago we asked you to submit your fresh af Helium dating app profiles, and there were some absolute bops that came to our attention. Some of you seriously showed intense finesse in your entries, so bravo.
Now, we’re putting the power back into your hands. You have the chance to win ~actual money~ for choosing what you think was the best, most saucy profile entry.
All you have to do is check out the entries the Helium team thought were incred, and you’re in the running to win a nice lil stack of cash. $1K to be exact.
It’ll also give you some time to score some hints for yourself to hopefully win over the Timothee Chalamet look-alike of your dreams.
Here they are (in no particular order):
1. Steven, 31, NSW
“I see you at the supermarket. I’m nervous. I drop some limes on the floor. I fumble as I struggle to collect them. You’re watching me chase down limes. It’s taking ages. Too long. After a minute or so, I finally gather up all the limes, look over to you and say, ‘I’m really bad at pick up limes.'”
This bio is grammatically incorrect but we admire the hustle and chutzpah.
2. Elana, 27, VIC
“Looking for someone to tell people they helped me drink the bottle of wine we both know I finished myself.”
This is the kind of trust we need in 2020.
3. Maynard, 31, NSW
“7 feet tall in heels. Loves sandwiches.”
Any man with the confidence to wear heels is a winner.
4. Lauren, 25, NSW
“Things I love..Board, games, Plants and flowers, Rock lamps, Scootering, walking, Eucalyptus, Breakfast, dancing, singing beach and nature.”
This is the most wholesome and earnest bio I’ve ever witnessed in my life. Lauren deserves the world.
5. Johnny, 34, VIC
“CHOOSE YOUR DATE : ================= 1) COFFEE 2) COLES 3) WOOLWORTHS 3) ALDI 4) CHEMIST WAREHOUSE 5) WALK AROUND THE PARK”
I get a ~slight~ feeling that Johnny may have the whole dating-in-lockdown thing down patt.
6. Gracie, 25, QLD
“Can be described as a guy in his mid 30’s going through a quarter-life crisis because all I do is go to the gym, quote The Simpsons, drink craft beer, listen to Joe Rogan podcasts and the only meaningful relationship I have is with my NBA league pass.”
7. Lewis, 28, VIC
“Just here looking for photoshop tutorials.”
8. Kim, 28, VIC
“Looking for someone to laugh at my jokes, believe I own the cutest dog and happy to accept our children will be Hawthorn supporters.”
I don’t know anything about AFL, but sources are telling me only regulation hotties support Hawthorn.
9. Adrian, 26, NSW
“‘You’re a cancer’ – both my ex and the zodiac calendar.”
Finally, some astrological respect.
10. Ashlyn, 23, VIC
“Originally Tasmanian; excuse the second head. Need someone who isn’t easily embarrassed as I’m told I dance like a constipated-camel but will boogie anyway.”
Anyone that can make a joke about their hometown inbreeding is sure to be a great date.
Better luck next time, we're closed!
ICYMI, Helium is a dating app that’s built around the idea of quite literally “alerting the group chat” when there’s either a regulation hottie or a total creep lurking the algorithm.
You can also reach out to someone you fancy without matching with them, so profiles are literally SO important.
Seriously, the worst mistake of my life was wearing a smothering of dark lipstick in my standard-dating-app profile pic during the height of my “not like other girls” phase. The amount of times I shielded the question as to whether I’d “ever heard of The Smiths” was ridiculous.
If my pals were able to alert me with a “cringe” tag my sanity would’ve been saved long ago.
So, get seriously critical about these – whose photos showcased the greatest variety? Who exuded the aura that they’d get along with both your friends and fam?
It’s time to get judgey, good luck!
UPDATE 19/09/2020: The winners are Ashlyn (VIC, 23) and Steven (NSW, 31).Image: Easy A