We all remember, with often too vivid a memory, the experience of our first root. Whether it was a joyous, supremely special moment or, as is more common, a nightmarish sequence of increasingly embarassing decisions, it’s no doubt seared into your brain for all time.
Spare a thought momentarily then, for Christian YouTuber and ex-Vine star (fkn lol) and fully-grown, adult man Cole LaBrant, whose cherry-popping experience will now forever be associated with the simultaneous attention and roasting of tens of thousands of people.
The Jesus-frothing social media “celeb”, took to his Twitter account of 237,000 followers earlier today to announce a little ol’ achievement usually reserved for a much smaller number of close friends, alerting to the world that he’d gotten his dick wet for the first time ever.
Sex is super cool and super fun so, like, congrats on getting to do that for the first time mate, we’re all real proud of ya. It’s just that, if the response is anything to go by, maybe Twitter wasn’t the best place to put out your “Just Boned” notice.
Despite a handful of fellow religoes who joined in praising the Lord (ostensibly because two strangers put their bits together, but whatever), most responses were along the lines of “TMI”, “looooooool” or “Sure, Jan”.
Am I the only one that doesn’t believe this?
— JEANETTE?? (@jeanetteecampos) July 10, 2017
— Vanessa Marianiello (@vanessamarinara) July 10, 2017
Congrats but…….TMI ?? pic.twitter.com/buyDHtauKO
— Jael Dunbar (@AGreatMe) July 10, 2017
He probably lasted as long as his vine videos did…. 6 seconds
— J (@JustinCWalker1) July 10, 2017
— ???: *cheyanne???:* (@cringychey) July 11, 2017
— ?Jas.min? (@jasmin_hihihi) July 10, 2017
This is not “goals”, cute, funny or anything but immaturity. Smh…
— Robert (@RRangel4JC) July 10, 2017
— Seth Hawk (@SetherHawk50) July 10, 2017
— jett teague (@JettTeague) July 11, 2017
Apparently the social media couple also shared some post-coitus-for-the-first-time-ever footage to their Instagram story, which, I mean…. why tho?
Hehehe. I’ve cracked up so many times! pic.twitter.com/cWUZWpo8mk
— Bre Andrews (@breannamccalip) July 10, 2017
The second-hand embarrassment is strong on this one, folks.
Look, huge shout out to any and all peeps popping their cherries across the world. Just maybe keep the news to smaller circles then old mate here, ok?
Picture: Twitter / Savannah LeBrant.