A Definitive Ranking Of The Sex Toys I’d Rather Masturbate With Than Get A Leg Over IRL

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Alrighty, strap in, folks. I’m about to really expose myself here. If you’re reading this and you know me, no you don’t.

Part of my job here at PEDESTRIAN.TV is to write about sex, masturbation and sex toys — how did I end up here? I couldn’t tell you. But do I like my job? Abso-fucking-lutely! Why? Because I’m all for normalising the conversation around sexual pleasure. I want to create sex-positive spaces where people aren’t afraid to talk about the good, bad and real aspects of sex, masturbation, and everything in between.

That, and the fact that I get sent new sex toys to review almost fortnightly. Tough gig, I know.

I’ve been in this game for about two years now, and as you can imagine, I’ve tried (and own) a lot of sex toys — everything from crystal dildos (cleanse that bad dick energy) right through to couples vibrators. However, only a few of them have become my ride (literally) and please don’t die bedside staples.

So I’m here today to do the lords work and to share with you the creme de la creme of sex toys I’ve had the ~pleasure~ of reviewing.

Here we go.

10. Textured Silicone Seat Vibrator

Textured Silicone Seat Vibrator was $91, now $27.30

If you’re a PTV reader, you might have seen this piece of Walkley winning journalism written by yours truly during lockdown. It’s the one where I test out a seated vibrator. TL;DR: Did I orgasm? Yes. Would it be my new go-to? Probably not. Mainly because of the legwork (literally) involved in using it. That said, you could always just… not sit on it and use the different edges to masturbate manually, which I can confirm works just as good. You can suss out my full post-cum thoughts here.

9. Nova We-Vibe 2

We-Vibe Nova 2 was $189.95, now $142.46

Coming in at number nine is the We-Vibe Nova 2. It was one of the very first tandem G-spot and clitoral vibrators I ever tried, and it definitely delivered. Design-wise, it ticks a lot of boxes. It’s sculpted from smooth, seamless silicone, so it’s not as intimidating as a classic dildo, and it has a bulbed end for G-spot pleasure and a little wand for clitoral stimulation. It’s also whisper-quiet, which is a huge plus when you’re living in a tiny-ass Sydney apartment.

My only critique with this little baby was that it was kind of hard to manoeuver. Sure, the weird mix of pain coming from my wrist and the pleasure of masturbating made for an interesting, albeit slightly less focused orgasm, but do I want carpal tunnel by the time I’m 40? No thanks.

8. Sacred Squirter

Yoni Pleasure Palace Sacred Squirter, $79

Alright, I got this little baby when I was having a real ~Goop moment~ during my hippie phase. It’s a hand-blown glass dildo aptly named ‘The Sacred Squirter’, which absolutely piqued my interest. I’m going to pull the description verbatim from the website bc it’s just too good. Described by the brand as being “shaped like a luscious tentacle” and as having “a sexy tongue-like curve, smooth pleasure bumps and ridged girth. The Sacred Squirter™ has supported thousands in experiencing female ejaculation.”

And honestly, they’re not lying. I have and will continue to have damn good orgasms with this pleasure wand. It’s also more of a manual-mazz since there’s no vibrator involved, which for some weird reason makes me feel more ~in tune with my body~. Has it lived up to the name? Not yet, but there’s still time.

7. Kip

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Kip by Dame Products, $139

Ah, Kip! This little baby is very new to my repertoire. I was sent it recently by the team over at Flossy, and I’ve gotta say, for a smol vibrator, it packs a punch. Bc, it’s only a clitoral vibrator, you can bring it into the bedroom pretty discreetly. So if you’re sleeping with someone who hasn’t introduced sex toys into the bedroom before, and you need a little clit play to get off, this is a very unintimidating place to start. Good vibes all ’round.

6. Vush x Abbie Chatfield

Vush x Abbie Chatfield was $149.95, now $112.46

Designed by the Queen herself, Abbie Chatfield, I was probably the most eager to try this one. Literally, everyone with a vagina on Instagram was raving about this little textured bb. Many are said to have had their first real internal orgasm with this wand, and if that’s not a glowing endorsement, I don’t know what is.

I found it to be the best ‘g-spot’ vibrator I’ve ever used. It’s comfortable to work with, easy to use and really hits the spot with minimal effort required. I also think it would be great for those who are still trying to figure out the best way to reach the big ‘O’. The slim design of the ‘shaft’ means you can kind of play around with how it enters and exits without feeling like a lot if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.

5. We-Vibe Sync

We-Vibe Sync, $249

Look, I don’t know if it was the several spicy margs we had at dinner or the fact that my ex-boyfriend and I were just extremely compatible in bed, but when we gave this a crack, I’m pretty sure the whole suburb heard me climax (x3). It was really something else. I honestly don’t have the words to describe how insanely good it was (for both of us), so I’ll just say this — buy one and try it for yourself.

4. Womanizer Duo

Womanizer Duo was $239.95, now $247.46

Ahh, the womanizer — my go-to two-in-one vibrator. This was the first sex toy to deliver one of those mind-bending, full-body orgasms that I didn’t even think were possible until I was sent this bad boi. I’m between apartments right now, and I packed this into storage because I was dating someone and didn’t think I’d need it. Jokes on me, I probably should have kept it.

3. NORMAL Charlie 

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NORMAL Charlie

You know that scene from Sex and the City with Samantha and her wand? I basically re-enacted that scene when this bad boy arrived at my door. It’s an update on the classic wand vibrator, and unlike a flakey Tinder date, it’ll never let you down. It’s waterproof (I’ve tested it), whisper-quiet and fun to use tbh. Give it a crack. Make Samantha proud.

2. LELO Sila

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LELO Sila was $259, now $207

Have you noticed the trend yet? I tend to prefer a cheeky clit vibrator to a faux dickkin’. The LELO Sila kind of stimulates a bit of licking and sucking motion, so it’s like oral without the other person’s awkwardness. A worthwhile investment if you ask me! It’s also another one that’s easy to slip into the bedroom if you’re the kinda person who gets off on clitoral stimulation.

1. Rosewell Dip in Deep Blue

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Rosewell Dip in Deep Blue, $149 

Honestly, I can’t tell you how many people I’ve sent the link to buy Rosewell’s Dip vibrator. I’ve even sent it to some random chick I met in the girl’s bathroom at a pub after she overheard me raving about it. This vibrator had to have been designed by a woman who knows a bloody good orgasm.

It fits perfectly in the palm of your hand, has little bumps on the tip that massage your clit, and has a vibrating function that doesn’t have the audacity to let your neighbours know your masturbating. I think I actually cried the first time this ran out of juice mid-mazz. I obviously had backups to carry on with, but nothing compares to the Dip.

Bree Grant is the E-Commerce Editor at PEDESTRIAN.TV, VICE Australia, Refinery29 Au, Business Insider Au, Gizmodo Au Lifehacker Au and Kotaku Au. When she’s not writing about beauty, wellness or sex and dating, she’s usually at the beach attempting to live out her Blue Crush dreams, shell necklace included.