Hey hey hey my slippery friends, let’s talk about non-lube alternatives. Sometimes the throes of passion lead you to places where lube just isn’t readily available, and so here are some things to use in a pinch, and also some things that you should absolutely not use.

Alright, no dilly-dallying, we’ve got some peckers to wet, and we don’t want to leave anyone with a nasty infection out here.

Great Non-Lube Alternatives:

Coconut Oil: Or as I like to call it, the Jay Alvarrez method. Coconut Oil smells amazing, and tastes amazing, which is always a plus. Think of it as a coconut-flavoured lube!

Coconut Oil usually comes in a harder form, but melts relatively easy with a bit of heat, which I’m more than sure you will provide yourself. Don’t mix this method with latex condoms though as the oil can deteriorate them. This one’s purely for raw dogging (If that’s safe for you and your partner.)

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Pure Aloe Vera: Sometimes Aloe Vera products contain alcohol (which burns hotter than 1000 suns when put on your genitals), so it’s best to get yourself some pure aloe vera, which can also come from your backyard if you have a plant. You can also use this one with latex condoms, which is a huge plus.

Olive Oil: A contentious one indeed, because not all of us want to feel like a young Spartan in Ancient Greece. Olive oil can be a bit messy and stay on the skin for a while, so it’s advised to scrub it all the way off once you’re done.

It’s also recommended to use extra virgin variants that are thinner, otherwise, you’ll be turning you and your partner into an oily Subway sandwich.

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Egg Whites: This one has the potential to go very wrong very fast, but as long as you’re using very good eggs, you can make yourself a little mixture to have handy, and it’ll work just like lube.

Just don’t go adding anything to the egg whites like salt or pepper. Your orifices may be hungry, but not for scrambled eggs.

Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me

Soaps and Lotions: You really want to avoid anything that has perfumes or preservatives in it, as it’ll just lead to bad news, and will absolutely not feel good for either party.

If the product in question is mild and completely perfume and soap-free, then it’s fine to use. But at that point, it’s basically just lube anyway.

Plain Yogurt: Some people reckon plain yogurt is actually a good non-lube alternative, but these people have clearly never had sex. Please, imagine this for just a second. God no.

To be clear, as long as the yogurt is strictly plain, it’s actually fine, but I absolutely do not recommend this, for aesthetic and messiness reasons.

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Butter: We’re looking to churn and burn here, but that doesn’t mean we need to add butter. You are not a Christmas dinner.

Just in case you’re not convinced, let me remind you that butter is a dairy product, and if some remains inside of you after sex, it can go off and become gross AF, which we do not want.

Vaseline: This bad boy is purely for external use. If you won’t go putting it in your mouth, don’t go putting it inside you anywhere else. Sex is great, infection is not.

Petroleum Jelly: Much like Vaseline, this is infection city, so please avoid for all that is good and holy.

And that about wraps it up (get it). Keep in mind that lube is always the best product to use when it’s time to hit the sheets, and always be cautious when using an alternative, especially if it’s in conjunction with a latex condom, as not all lube alts are latex-friendly.

Stay safe out there folks! And stay away from yogurt!

Image: Getty Images / Natalie Board - EyeEm