2017 was the first proper calendar year in the history of mankind that every single former One Direction member released their own solo music content, making it perhaps the most important year since humanity crawled out of the primordial ooze.
The birth of Christ? Hard pass. The Renaissance? Pff gross. The Industrial era? FUCK OFF. The One-Directioners-first-solo year aka 2017 is the MOST important and any other year sucks farts by comparison.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s have a look at which of our post-pubescent man-candies had the best 2017 in this DEFINITIVE and CORRECT ranking.
Let’s start at the bottom:
5. Louis Tomlinson
Look Louis Tomlinson was having a FINE 2017, ok? He released a couple songs, one of which, again was FINE (Miss You FYI) but then he had to go and be a huge salty penis by encouraging his rabid fanbase to attack an Australian radio presenter over an incredibly tame joke about him.
Shining beacon of joy and light and one of the most talented music industry workers in the country, Ash London, was hounded off of social media for a perceived slight against Louis which basically came down to describing his beard as “ratty”, all because Tomlinson himself tweeted his scorn, weaponising his fans.
Not forgiving him for it. NOPE. Bad 2017 for Louis Tomlinson cause he was a dick. Hopefully 2018 sees him cleaning his act up.
4. Liam Payne
Oh sweet, sweet Liam. I had high hopes for Liam’s 2017 but instead of sticking with the kind of pure-hearted precious cherub fare he did so well at 1D, he gurgled out a bunch of SUPER tepid, generic attempting-to-be-sexy pop tunes.
Strip That Down was an awkward go at some kind of hip-hop fueled club banger and Bedroom Floor was also incredibly ZZZZZzzzz. Sorry not sorry.
At least Get Low (which was mostly Zedd’s song but just featured Liam on vocals) redeemed his year somewhat.
2016 was obviously Zayn’s year. After chucking his tanty and bailing from 1D nearly a year before the ~hiatus~ kicked in, he had heaps of extra time to make his tunes and his debut album Mind of Mine was an absolute G.O.A.T.
2017 obvs pales in comparison BUT he did release two collabs which are def certified bangers, the tropical, slinky Still Got Time with something or someone called PARTYNEXTDOOR and the simply HYUGE Dusk Till Dawn with our m8 Sia.
TBH Zayn would be number two were it not for the kinda probbo lyrics of Still Got Time in which he condescendingly negs an enamoured ladyfriend. Jerk move. Dusk Til Dawn slaps though.
2. Niall Horan
Ok I’m as shook as everyone else at how srsly big Niall’s 2017 was. Avoiding the “HEY GUYS I’M A SEXY ADULT NOW AND IM GONNA SING ABOUT SEX AND BOOZE” traps that some other ex-1D’ers fell into (and failed), Niall went down the more Ed Sheeran-ey road and God how it worked.
Slow Hands was absolutely everywhere this year and turned out to be the perfect upbeat, yet slow and rollicking sing-a-long jam that just seems very comfortably “Niall”.
YOU GO NIALL WE’RE ALL SO PROUD OF YOU OUR PRECIOUS SON!
1. Harry Styles
Yeppppppp. My future husband Harry Styles had the hands-down best 2017 of all the One Direction fam.
The first one of the boys to release an entire album’s worth of tunes in 2017, Harry’s self-titled debut absolutely threw a spanner into the works of the expected post-boy-band trajectory (IN THE BEST WAY)
A delicious pastiche of everything from rock ‘n’ roll past, Harry blew everyone else out of the water in 2017. Also, Christ, the man can wear the shit out of a suit.
FOR MORE ONE DIRECTION FAM AND MUCH MORE FOLLOW PEZ ON FACEBOOK.