This article is in partnership with CGU Insurance, helping rescue Australia’s lost ambition.
When you think about it, our relationship with our four-legged friends is a curious one. They can’t understand us – save for a couple of gestures and commands here and there – and we struggle to translate an “awwwwooooooo” at 3am.
Earlier this year on Twitter, comedian Avery Edison asked the world what one sentence they would say to their pets if they could understand it. It’s beautiful and we need to revisit it.
“My cat, Freja, is a former feral/stray who has come far but is still very anxious,” Edison shared first. “I wish I could tell her, ‘I would never do anything to hurt you, you are safe.'”
If you could say one sentence to your pet and know they would understand it, what would you say?
My cat, Freyja, is a former feral/stray who has come far but is still very anxious. I wish I could tell her, “I would never do anything to hurt you, you are safe.”
— Avery Edison (@aedison) March 7, 2019
While some tweets were brilliantly funny – and we’ll get to those soon – others were simply heartbreaking.
Like this one.
“Because of your previous owner not managing your eye condition, no matter what I do to help your eyes you will inevitably lose your sight, but you will never lose me and I’ll help you every step of the way forever because I love you.”
One user wrote, “When I leave you I do not want to leave you. Leaving you is the thing that is saddest of all to me.”
Another tweeted, “My cat was more or less discarded without thoughts after 3 years with a family, and is quite nervous and needy, I’d tell her she is my heart and I would never, ever abandon her.”
For some immediate relief, here are some far lighter responses to Edison’s question.
“These right here are called ‘tits’ and I would encourage you to consider this whole area a No Stomp Zone,” tweeted one person.
“If I move you off my lap when you’ve just gotten comfy it’s because I really need to pee, not because I don’t want you there,” tweeted another, which we’re sure many humans can relate to.
Now, get a load of Jakey Boy.
I would ask Jakey Boy why he sits like this. pic.twitter.com/tVzHigxOlt
— Sam Elliott's 'Tache (@SamElli26207958) March 7, 2019
This is just spot on.
"we will never forget about your food, and the yelling will not make it come any faster"
— Sexy Jamie McKelvie (@McKelvie) March 7, 2019
“Hugs and high fives are not violent acts, and you need to stop screaming every time any two humans make physical contact in front of you, you beautiful idiot.” https://t.co/Rh9ZNnFNXN
— Jerri Lee (@Jer_Jer_Binx) March 7, 2019
"stop eating mud, dipshit" pic.twitter.com/NWvCYRCkJ9
— The Casino Man (@BronzeHammer) March 7, 2019
THE ROOF IS OFF LIMITS JAXX!! pic.twitter.com/alKmgd041c
— Sierra Dallas (@SierraDallas) March 8, 2019
One more, because it’s simply beautiful.
Touching. Mine would be, “Sophia, please stop shitting under the piano.” https://t.co/g5XxdWOt0i
— Mamie Littrell (@mamielittrell) March 7, 2019
Happy Friday, everyone.Image: Getty Images