Before I begin, I need to disclaim that all reptiles are fun and beautiful and all of those good things.
However, as I am a Paranoid Penelope, I constantly think about the hypothetical scenario of having to fight for my life against scary animals. (It’s fine, I’m talking it through with my therapist.)
That being said, which reptile would mess us up the most in said fateful encounter? We’ve invited a bunch of reptiles to the arena to have the final say. RIP ME.
Enter the turtle, a reptile who literally isn’t dangerous… but could be if you, like, accidentally stepped on one, slipped on its beautifully-armoured shell and fell on a limb or something?
But seriously, have you heard the sound that turtles make when they orgasm? That, in itself, is terrifying. Very scary. Bone-chilling. The end.
Not a reptile, no, but I thought we should throw a wildcard amphibian into the mix because, well, equality.
This reptile impersonator may have a smaller, less-imposing frame, but this bad boy has the element of surprise on his side… and shock value can take you very far. For example, if you were walking through the jungle and a cute lil’ frog jumped out at you, you could get a bit of a fright.
That’s right, Mr. Amphibian Frog, you’re officially in the big league of terrifying reptiles. Alexa, play “Bad Guy” by Billie Eilish.
Okay, so I literally cannot handle the thought of encountering a snake. One time, when I was I was on a family vacay on Dunk Island like 10 years ago, I was running to my hotel room and just about stepped on the biggest snake I’d ever seen in my life in the middle of the path. I shrivelled up like a prune and never recovered – no, seriously, I’m still a prune. Alas, due to this traumatising experience, I’m politely moving on from this snake conversation. But yes, they are very terrifying and all of those things.
3. KOMODO DRAGON
Komodo dragons are bloody majestic beings, but trust them, I do not. The powerful predators are capable of taking down some pretty hefty mammals. There have been some reported cases of human attacks, but I’m sure this boils down to us nosey humans invading their space.
They’re also pretty fast, as well. Check this out:
She’s fast, she’s unforgiving, she’ll give you a meaty death roll. She’s the elusive gator and she’s not to be fucced with.
For me, the alligator takes the cake (and my arm) for being the most fearsome creature on Earth. I’d like to think that I’d put up some sort of fight but, if I encountered her in the wild, I’d probably just put my hands up and scream “TAKE ME AS I AM, FELICIA. BYE.” Yes, I named her Felicia.
Now, which reptile could possibly out-gun the titan of all reptiles, you ask? Which reptile is more gruesome and dangerous than the most-fearsome alligator? Which reptile would well and truly mess you the frick up?
Stop scrolling right now if you’re easily feared.
Actually, yep, don’t do it.
The literal sight of this next reptile understandably sends most into an irreparable state of shock.
The gecko is bound to kill you immediately because it’s so HECKIN’ cute. My God. Look at the lil’ guy’s beady eyes that border on a smize, his nonchalant smile that exudes an aura of approachability and those swoon-worthy bulbous toes. This mighty fine specimen is dangerously adorable.
What a wholesome ending. You can watch some heftier rough ‘n’ tumble when CRAWL, featuring Kaya Scodelario and some not-so-friendly alligators, hits cinemas on July 11. Snap.Image: iStock / Lepro