Australian marsupial the kaluta, found in the Western Australia Pilbara region, has quite possibly the most ideal mating situation of all time… if you’re a female, that is.

The tiny, very cute little critters hit the headlines this week after US outlet The Cut did this amazing profile on them. Now, the University Of Western Australia has released a statement about the creatures, confirming their demented mating ritual.

As a quick side note, how fucking cute are they. WANT. TO. SQUASH.

Credit: University of Western Australia.

I could never hold one, I’d kill it.

So basically, the male kalutas reach sexual maturity at 10 months, then fuck like maniacs for two weeks before dying . Researchers led by Dr Genevieve Hayes figured this out after they tried to capture males after breeding season, and found there were none.

“Males were regularly captured in healthy numbers throughout the study, except immediately after the mating seasons, when no males were captured. This, coupled with other research in the field and laboratory, strongly suggests that males die after the mating season.”

This mass death is defined as ‘male semelparity’, and is caused by their immune system collapsing. They literally fuck themselves to death. Amazing.

cute but psycho

In contrast, female kalutas are in this for the long game, and totally embrace being independent sluts.

“We found that female kalutas mate frequently and with different males and, in our study, a
single litter of up to eight young could have as many as three fathers.”

Fuck yeah, let’s hear it for these ladies who don’t depend on any man amiriiiiiiite? AMIRITE LADIES!

That immune system collapse in the male kalutas, by the way, is caused specifically by too much horniness. Seriously:

“…males also have to mate a lot, and have good quality sperm (and lots of it), to outcompete rival males.This intense investment in reproduction, evidenced by their large testes, appears to be fatal for males. ”

I can just imagine these male kalutas strutting around with their giant balls, all “uhurrr look at me with my huge balls I’m so aggressively virile and spermy”. The energy out on those outback plains during mating season, my god.

Anyway, this absolutely unhinged mating ritual seems to be working out well for kalutas, according to Dr. Hayes.

“The study sheds some light on the life of this relatively unknown creature. Despite its extreme mating behaviour, the kaluta appears to be doing well, making it an interesting case study.”

So there you go – maybe this inundation of fuckboys is just humanity evolving to the point where all dudes are born with giant balls, then fuck for 2 weeks and die. IDK, just a thought.

Image: supplied