Despite our passionate and righteous advocacy for the hideous bush turkey for the 2017 Bird of the Year competition, it shamefully did not even crack the top 10. The actual bird of the year in the Guardian Australia and BirdLife Australia competition was the hateful magpie, with 19,926 votes.
The competition hoped to democratically select Australia’s best bird – a Herculean task which should never, ever have been left to direct democracy.
The Australian Magpie has been named the @BirdlifeOz 2017 #BirdOfTheYear! See the top 10 tally pic.twitter.com/bZBM9h0PuF
— News Breakfast (@BreakfastNews) December 10, 2017
It just edged out the noble ibis / bin chicken, which was the subject of a huge volume of internet advocacy and scored a respectable 19,083 votes, clearly destroying the third place contender, the kookaburra (also known as the ‘loser bird’).
We consider the fact that the bush turkey – the plump and moronic bird everyone loves to hate – didn’t even make the top ten as a direct repudiation of our clout as a media organisation. Why didn’t you listen to us, people of Australia?
Nonetheless, we respect the magpie. The magpie is indeed the only bird with the sheer grit, moxie and determination to stare in the face of human civilisation and say “No.” This bird, imbued with the power of millions of years of dinosaurid evolution, is constantly at war with the soft, pliable skulls of primary school students, which it swoops and pecks with wild abandon.
This is a bird which stares down upon us from the trees above with supernatural intelligence – a bird which was presented with the rare gift of superior cognition and decided to use it exclusively for murder. That is something we have no choice but to respect. Australia – you have made your choice.
Some agree, others do not:
AUSSIE MAGPIE WON! I AM SO HAPPY!
Well done little mates! #BirdoftheYear #magpies pic.twitter.com/dIsb02rFcJ— Catherine Cavallo 🌏 (@CavalloDelMare) December 10, 2017
Sure, Australians chose marriage equality but they also chose the magpie–loathed even by the devil– as their Bird of the Year, so can you really trust them? The answer is no.
— Omar Sakr (@omarsakrpoet) December 10, 2017
You only voted Magpie out of fear. I understand.
— glengyron (@glengyron) December 10, 2017
I think what we are seeing with the Magpie swooping in for a #BirdOfTheYear win is a distrust of a nation-wide smear campaign against them. Plus I saw one open a Le Snack that they found in a bin once and that’s impressive. Well done Australia 🇦🇺
— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) December 10, 2017
We submit to our magpie emperors. We hope that this act of deference is enough to assure them will be obedient subjects. Please: do not swoop us. We come in peace.